Reasons why it would suck to be a zombie:

•Dandruff shampoo doesn’t control your flaky scalp anymore.

•You smell a little like beef jerkey.

•Dogs run off with your fingers and toes and bury them.

•Moaning: People always hang-up on you thinking it’s an obscene phonecall; neighbors think you’re constantly getting laid.

•You don’t have to worry about catching a cold, you have to worry about catching ants.

•Everyone asks you if you can dance like that “Thriller” video.

•All bad smells get blamed on you.

•EYE COLOR: RED on your driver’s license.

•Just because you’re undead doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when kids throw lawn darts at you.

•People mistake you for Steve Buscemi.

•Every Halloween, some half-naked ‘naughty nurse’ still manages to win the costume contest instead of you.

•BRAINS never shows up on the Dollar Value Menu at McDonald’s.

•Formaldehyde is expensive, but mouthwash doesn’t quite cut it anymore.

•Dicks with torches and chainsaws.

•Half the people you meet think your name is “Uuuuuuuhhhhh.”

•Your health insurance rates suck.

•You can only get dates with necrophiliacs and goth chicks.

•Mad Cow Disease: Fresh brains are harder to come by these days.

•Neighbor kids keep pestering you to be their entry in the Junior High Science Fair.

•Lysol doesn’t get rid of maggots.

•The I.R.S. doesn’t consider “cannibalistic undead” as “self employed.”

•Friends only invite you over when they’re throwing a Halloween party.

•Cruel pranks: When you pass out at a friend’s party and wake up in the morgue.

•Haiti is a fun place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to die there.

•Smartasses keep calling you “Beetlejuice.”

(some content contributed by Becky)

Tags: jackassery, original research, zombies
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