Dear Mike and Ike,

We’ve been through a lot together - all of those movies we’ve seen together and all of those times you’ve been there for me when I was too lazy to make myself breakfast. This is why I am deeply saddened to write you this letter.

Last night, I bought a large box of your Tangy Twister flavors and when I opened the box, a small bag of candy fell out. Though I respect this effort to keep your candy fresher, the box was only half-full.

The box was not half-empty: it was half-full of candy, and half-full of betrayal and grief.

I understand that current political debates over same-sex marriage has put a great strain on your relationship (rumor has it that you were almost Mike and Sergio for a few months), but your personal lives are affecting your products. When I opened up that box last night and a small bag of candy fell out, it was a grief comparable to getting to second base with a buxom woman you’ve taken to dinner for three weeks, only to find that she was wearing an extremely padded bra the entire time.

Mike, and my beloved Ike, I’m sorry to say that I cannot take you (nor Mike’s Latino cousin Hot Tamales) to the movies anymore until you get a handle on your lives. Until then, I will be taking my ex — that chocolatey slut Milk Duds — to the movies instead.

Farewell you cheap bastards,
Tim

Tags: food, jackassery, people who suck, products, review, why the terrorists will win
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