Why I Hate Mark Twain
June 7th, 2008 by timbotronThroughout gradeschool and highschool, English teachers repeatedly stated that it was our civic duty as Americans to adore and admire the works of Mark Twain. Years later and I still hate him.
Here is a revised list of the many reasons why I think Mark Twain is a douche:
• Tom Sawyer Island and the Mark Twain Riverboat are the lamest rides at Disneyland.
• He gave his characters dippy names like Huckleberry and Pudd’nhead. No kid would have gone by the name Huckleberry – classmates would have called him Hucklefairy or Fuckleberry. And Pudd’nhead already sounds dirty.
• Mark Twain impersonators (”Twainies”) are the lowest strata of the nerd pecking order – even Star Trek geeks and Renaissance Faire nerds make fun of them and beat them up.
• He was overly fond of the word “Yankee,” and often used it as an obscene verb.
• Mark Twain and Colonel Sanders used to go to parties together dressed the same. They thought it would get them chicks.
• Both Ernest Hemingway and Jack London could have taken Twain in a fistfight.
• At a time when people were dying of cholera, the standards for humor were pretty low. Frog jumping contests and suckering someone into painting a fence = SO NOT FUNNY.
• There are dozens of public schools and parks named after Mark Twain, but there isn’t even a single parking lot named after Elmore Leonard.
June 9th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
You, sir, need to spend a summer in Angel’s Camp. We’ll see what you think of frog jumping contests THEN.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Puddnhead is a badass
http://www.thegnomonworkshop.com/store/product/193/
May 15th, 2010 at 11:44 pm
I can understand why you might not like his works, but there’s no reason to get upset about it.
1.) Just because the rides relating to the story sucks doesnt mean the book does.
2.) Why shouldn’t he have character’s names unusual? There are weird names in the world and I don’t feel that it should be taken seriously. If you can become one of the most well-known authors in the world, you should be able to name your characters whatever the hell you want.
What really ticks me off though is that you don’t like the books because the humor wasn’t funny. Of course it isn’t going to be funny now as it was back then. Jokes get old pretty fast.
May 20th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
I can give you more valid reasons than the superficial (names and rides). If you thought you knew him maybe you should read his scathing review of James Fenimore Cooper’s work or the harsh criticism of Jane Austen, George Eliot, or Robert Louis Stevenson. I suggest maybe you read the wikipedia page or venture into one of his biographies. Then it might be a good idea to read some his later works like “what is man” or “letters from earth”. “Letters” wasn’t published until 1962. His daughter, Clara, felt “letters from earth” was just too offensive for some people and she felt it might present a distorted view of her father. I say just the opposite – those later works present a clearer picture of what Twain really felt. I leave it to the reader to judge for themselves. I don’t like him, but that’s my opinion. I find most of his work to be an elevated version of Jeff Foxworthy and I leave with the impression that I’ve been made to whitewash a fence and the joke is really on me.
August 2nd, 2010 at 6:48 pm
nice list!
January 11th, 2011 at 7:27 am
An English teacher comments: This is so damn funny. And look at that response criticizing your irony. People are soooooo dumb.
March 21st, 2011 at 9:32 am
Jack London died of a morphine overdose, Hemingway from a self-inflicted shotgun blast. Surely, that’s not your standard for manhood. Moreover, Sam’s own friends stated that anyone who thought he was calm and laconic had simply never seen him in a fist fight. By the way, Hemingway said Huckleberry Finn was the greatest work ever written in America.