Throughout gradeschool and highschool, English teachers repeatedly stated that it was our civic duty as Americans to adore and admire the works of Mark Twain. Years later and I still hate him.

Here is a revised list of the many reasons why I think Mark Twain is a douche:

• Tom Sawyer Island and the Mark Twain Riverboat are the lamest rides at Disneyland.

• He gave his characters dippy names like Huckleberry and Pudd’nhead. No kid would have gone by the name Huckleberry - classmates would have called him Hucklefairy or Fuckleberry. And Pudd’nhead already sounds dirty.

• Mark Twain impersonators (”Twainies”) are the lowest strata of the nerd pecking order - even Star Trek geeks and Renaissance Faire nerds make fun of them and beat them up.

• He was overly fond of the word “Yankee,” and often used it as an obscene verb.

• Mark Twain and Colonel Sanders used to go to parties together dressed the same. They thought it would get them chicks.

• Both Ernest Hemingway and Jack London could have taken Twain in a fistfight.

• At a time when people were dying of cholera, the standards for humor were pretty low. Frog jumping contests and suckering someone into painting a fence = SO NOT FUNNY.

• There are dozens of public schools and parks named after Mark Twain, but there isn’t even a single parking lot named after Elmore Leonard.

Tags: bad taste, celebrities, culture, jackassery, people who suck, review
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