This is something of an open letter to all Halloween party-goers.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR THIS HALLOWEEN:

Sexy/Naughty Devil - Ladies, there is a very good chance that you are too fat for this one, despite the fact that the other girls at the spray-tanning salon tell you that you look good in it. This costume shows no imagination and it usually comes across as “red cow” or “drunk sorority girl with horns.” Stop wearing this stupid costume. This also applies to your friend in the angel costume - the one who will make out with you to get attention at parties. Yeah, we get it, angel and devil. You are so clever.

M&M - Ladies, this costume is the antidote to sexy. The M&M costume is the Halloween equivalent of wearing Mom Jeans. No man would ever have sex with you after seeing you in the M&M costume, even if he’s married to you.

Football/Baseball Player - Guys, putting on your old highschool football or baseball uniform does not count as a Halloween costume. The operative word being “costume,” not “uniform.” This is Halloween. There is nothing scary about a baseball player, you morons. Having your girlfriend wear it is equally lame even if you’re planning on having homoerotic sportsfan sex later that evening while you watch old tapes of your highschool football games. This also applies to all other uniforms: hockey goalie, surgical scrubs, construction worker, referee, police officer, etc.

Any Costume Involving a Pun - It is Halloween, not a punchline to a lame joke. Yeah, we get it, you are a turd with bull horns. We know you enjoy people asking you what you are so you can drop the punchline on them. However, you will find yourself regularly saying “get it?” at the end of your explanation, which is a clear sign that your clever costume sucks.

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For Halloween, turn your favorite politician into a pumpkin! Thanks to the AP’s Campaign-O-Lantern, you can have Barack Obama, John McCain, and a slew of other politically-themed Cucurbita on your doorstep.  Check out the Obama Pumpkin my mother made!

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Musician Beck and actor Michael Cera.

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I’m usually not into recycling content from posts we’ve previously done, but this was a great list my sister and I made last year around Halloween and it’s worthy of a replay:

REASONS WHY IT WOULD SUCK TO BE A ZOMBIE:
• People mistake you for Steve Buscemi.
• Dandruff shampoo doesn’t control your flaky scalp anymore.
• You smell a little like beef jerkey.
• Smartass friends keep calling you “Beetlejuice.”
• Dogs run off with your fingers and toes and bury them.
• Moaning: People always hang-up on you thinking it’s an obscene phonecall.
• You don’t have to worry about catching a cold, you have to worry about catching ants.
• Everyone asks you if you can dance like that “Thriller” video.
• All bad smells get blamed on you.
• EYE COLOR: RED on your driver’s license.
• Just because you’re undead doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when kids throw lawn darts at you.
• Every Halloween, some half-naked ‘naughty nurse’ still manages to win the costume contest instead of you.
• BRAINS never shows up on the Dollar Value Menu at McDonald’s.
• Formaldehyde is expensive, but mouthwash doesn’t quite cut it anymore.
• Dicks with torches and chainsaws.
• Half the people you meet think your name is “Uuuuuuuhhhhh.”
• Your health insurance rates suck.
• You can only get dates with necrophiliacs and goth chicks.
• Mad Cow Disease: Fresh brains are harder to come by these days.
• Neighbor kids keep pestering you to be their entry in the Junior High Science Fair.
• Lysol doesn’t get rid of maggots.
• The I.R.S. doesn’t consider “cannibalistic undead” as “self employed.”
• Friends only invite you over when they’re throwing a Halloween party.
• Cruel pranks: When you pass out at a friend’s party and wake up in the morgue.

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Rarely do the words “man” and “candle” occur in the same sentence without the word “Freud.”

The Manly Man Candle Company - scented candles for men (or women who are hellbent on subjecting everyone they know to scented candles, including men).

The Manly Man Candle Company offers candle scents such as:
The Hunting Lodge, Yardwork, Sports Injury, and Leather.

Some scent suggestions for the Manly Man Candle Company:
Bacon, Stripper Pole, Taco Fart, and Cheap Beer.

(via Angie)

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This one is a few years old, but it is still so awesome.

This video proves a law of the Universe:
A Peter Gabriel soundtrack can turn anything into a “feel-good family movie.”

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Even two months after the New York Times article on Miracle Fruit was published (last May), online sources were still sold out or were having difficulty maintaining their stock of Miracle Fruit.
Everyone had to try it.
Especially me.

When chewed/eaten, Miracle Fruit (Synsepalum dulcificum) temporarily alters your taste perception: the sensation of “sour” registers as “sweet” for approximately 1-2 hours.

I finally got a hold of some Miracle Fruit tablets (dried Miracle Fruit in tablet form), from Miracle Fruit World online.

Friends and I experimented with Miracle Fruit tablets over the past week, here are some observations and results:
• It makes a lemon taste like a Valencia orange.
• It makes a Meyer lemon taste like an expensive Valencia orange.
• It makes a lime taste like a sweet tangerine.
• It makes Country Time Instant Lemonade taste like bland sugar water.
• It makes Sour Patch Kids taste like Normal Patch Kids (it makes them taste like fruity gummy bears).
• It makes a Dill Pickle taste like a gross Sweet Pickle.
• It makes a Cola taste very sugary and sweet(er).

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This is so wrong, I can’t turn away . . . the sneak-preview script [NSFW] and photos are available from the awesomely wrongest adult video ever: “Who’s Nailin’ Palin.”

(via Susan)

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Recession Special: Save $1 - Gray’s Papaya at 37th Street & 8th Avenue, NYC

Update from reader rubberchicken - 10/28/08:

The irony is that the recession special has been around since the 1990’s…they just raised the price this week due to the ACTUAL recession.

http://www.slashfood.com/2008/10/22/recession-bites-grays-papaya-raises-the-price-on-its-famous-sp/

D’oh!

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Amazing how this resembles current presidential debates:

(via Chris)

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Zima: the early 90’s drink that everyone tried at least once, while listening to Jesus Jones, and then never touched again.

As of October 10, 2008, Zima is now dead. I was more surprised to learn that it was still being produced.

Bartles & Jaymes are expected to attend the funeral.

Farewell Zima, we hardly liked ye.

(via Marketing Daily, via Chicago Tribune, and the Tombstone Generator)

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The nationwide gourmet cupcake trend is already stale. . . and overpriced.

What will soon become the popular new culinary art:
Hacking the Easy-Bake Oven - the challenging art of producing fine cuisine from an Easy-Bake oven.

• “The Easy-Bake Oven Gourmet” by David Hoffman.

• Linkety-link-link.

(via Susan)

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A goofy interactive site: Palin as President.

(via Susan)

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Obama and McCain face off in the most meaningful way possible: A dance-off.

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A profound and colorful background to life: Pictures of Hindu and Buddhist Gods and Goddesses.

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“We turned Central America into a f*cking graveyard. Whoever momentarily interrupts our accumulation of wealth, we pulverize.”

- Brand Hauser (John Cusak), in War, Inc.

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Need I say more? Check out this funny PSA and kids, be sure to help out your grandmas and grandpas with the digital television switchover taking place on February 17, 2009.

(via Katya)

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If you’re in New York City, make sure to check out Banksy’s Village Pet Store and Charcoal Grill, open 10am-12am daily until October 31 at 89 7th Ave South, NYC. Pretty ballerific if you ask me:

(via Myron; via NotCot)

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Halloween is almost a week away. Almost.
Practice before you actually cut: The Pumpkin Simulator.

(via Clarinda)

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“W.“

“W.” was good.
Oliver Stone played it safe:
no real surprises.

Josh Brolin was good.
Condoleeza was awesome.
I give it three stars.

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