This weekend’s new release “Watchmen” truly warrants a minute-by-minute report of my movie theater watching experience:

TIME: 22 minutes – Relatively captivating start: an elderly superhero can really take a beating.

TIME: 47 minutes – Okay, we get it. Character development. These heroes are all complex and grim. We get it. Where the hell is the plot!?

TIME: 56 minutes – Those candies, Dots, are actually pretty good when they’re fresh. They don’t stick to your dental work when they’re soft.

TIME: 1 hour 10 minutes – Ozymandias reminds me of this flamboyant guy in highschool who was head of the drama club and really into George Michael. Oh, wait. I get it.

TIME: 1 hour 23 minutes – Meat cleaver in the skull. So unnecessary. I wonder if those assholes in the 11th row are regretting bringing their 5-year-old child to this film. Years from now they’ll probably blame his violent behavior on television or public schooling.

TIME: 1 hour 38 minutes – Malin Ackerman showing her breasts in yet another movie. Most of this film is nerd porn.

TIME: 2 hours 05 minutes – If I painted my penis glowing blue, it would probably look like that.

TIME: 2 hours 46 minutes – Half of the theater has gotten up and left; the Sun will be rising soon and many have jobs that start early.

TIME: 3 hours 15 minutes – I finished all of the Dots hours ago, dehydration has set in and I have lost track of what day it is. There is actually a plot now, and I don’t care. I just want to go home.

TIME: 5 hours 51 minutes – If this is the theatrical release, the director’s cut must be something like 20 hours long.

TIME: 7 hours 21 minutes – Oh, thank God. Characters are dying. This means it will end soon. Right?

TIME: 8 hours 30 minutes – It is over. I feel like I’ve been raped by a comic book convention.

Tags: movies, review, signs of the Apocalypse
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