So last week I turned 32. Looking at where I am at in my life and where I thought I’d be at 32, I feel pretty good–I’ve started my own business, traveled the world, already had a couple of interesting professions, I have good friends and a cool dog. I am however missing that special someone. I would have thought that at this age I would be getting serious about finding a life partner and have developed a refined list of desired qualities in a mate, such as shared interests, successful career, thoughtful and spiritual, great lover, etc. Instead, I have whittled my boyfriend requirements down to a pretty simple list of minimum standards. At this point my ideal date must be:

1. SINGLE (hard to believe, but I actually have to put this on the list)
2. Employed, making more than minimum wage (this is a tough one for me, but struggling artist/musician doesn’t count as employment)
3. Living in their own place (don’t have to own a house, just not be couch-surfing or living with their parents)
4. Born in the 70’s (although old dudes seem to dig me, I don’t dig them–Viagra or not)
5. The owner of a car (that runs)
6. Capable of basic hygiene and grooming (I don’t want someone I have to dress or who has flesh-eating bacteria)
7. Not the owner of a bong or a keg-erator (I’m flexible however on the keg-erator, they ARE handy for entertaining)
8. Straight (I’d consider openly bi-sexual, just not gay and in denial)

Looking back over the past 17 years or so of my love life I have to say that I have actually never been involved with someone who meets all of the above criteria. Sometimes I think it’s just me, but believe it or not I am kind of picky when it comes to men. And I’m kind of a catch. So, if you or someone you know fits the above criteria and lives within 30 minutes of Watsonville, CA, I’d be happy to hear from you! But at this point the next well-meaning person who asks me, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” is going to get punched in the mouth.

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What does this image represent? Here are some possible answers:

• how to check the oil on Bessie
• a really good hiding place for a spliff, where no one will EVER look
• something very very wrong and illegal in 39 states
• junkie cows
• where sausage comes from
• ‘T-boning’
• a very lifelike “pin-the-tail” game
• how to inflate your blow-up heifer doll
• drunken shenanigans at the ol’ dairy farm

Believe it or not, this is an actual graphic from a real website demonstrating the proper technique for drawing blood from a cow. (You take blood from a vein on the underside of the tail - who knew?!) Here is a photo demonstrating the technique in action:

The website is from a company, BioTracking, that provides pregnancy tests for cows and other ruminants. If livestock reproduction technology makes you giggle like a schoolgirl then check out this link for a ram ejaculator. Seems to me that sheep farmers could save a lot of money by just going by Good Vibrations instead.

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About a year ago I saw a homemade flier at a coffee shop from a local band of punk rock middle school kids called Jackie Rocks. It was so hardcore and cute at the same time — like a kitten in biker leather — that it stuck in my head and I finally got around to checking out their myspace page tonight.

The internet and myspace has forever changed the landscape for the adolescent rockstars-to-be. They have videos and recorded tracks (available on I-tunes), and a link to a site where you can buy their t-shirts.

They also have their own website: http://www.jackierocks.com

Look out Donnas, Jackie really does rock, and she even writes her own music. Their musical influences include Avril Lavigne, Linda Rondstadt, and the Cure. Awesome.

I wish I’d been that cool at 13. Actually, I wish I was that cool at 31.

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