The Easy Guide to Classic Kung Fu Films
Saturday, May 22nd, 2010Here is a simple-to-understand character guide to classic Kung Fu films:
THE HERO – He’s usually a decent guy who lives in a villain-prone city, hamlet, or monastery. When his father, uncle, sister or brother gets killed, he is forced to kick piles and piles of ass. Upsides: He kills the Villain, and everybody owed that guy money. Downsides: Years later, he still won’t shut up about that time he saved the village.
THE TUBBY SIDEKICK – Voted “Least Likely to Get Laid,” the Tubby Sidekick provides klutzy comic relief simply by being fat. Though he knows Kung Fu, he’s usually found on the sidelines shoving food in his face during big battles. Upsides: He makes the Hero less boring. Downsides: He eats with his mouth open.
THE SHAOLIN MASTER – The head monk of the Shaolin monastery knows how to kick serious heaps of ass, but rarely does. Instead, he spends most of his time preoccupied with growing enormous eyebrows. Upsides: Everything he says sounds like a fortune cookie. Downsides: His yellow robe is dry-clean only and his eyebrows shed everywhere.
THE VILLAIN – Often looking like a Chinese John Waters or Gomez Adams, the Villain spends most of his time being the neighborhood dick due to his mastery of a powerful Kung Fu technique. He spends the rest of his time grooming his facial hair. Upsides: A remarkable sense of fashion. Downsides: He’s a total dick.
THE HOBO MASTER – This mentally unstable transient is secretly the master of a rare Kung Fu technique. He is the Obi Wan Kenobi of these films – teaching the Hero how to kick ass properly. Upsides: He can be easily paid with booze. Downsides: He smells like hangover and pee.
THE HOT (PEASANT) CHICK – She serves as a living reminder to the Hero that he’s spent way too much time practicing Kung Fu, and so little time getting laid. Upsides: She’s good at cleaning blood off of the Hero. Downsides: She’s always a kidnapping waiting to happen.
THE EVIL KUNG FU MASTER – Looking like an Asian Glamrock Bassplayer, he is flamboyant evil incarnate. As we all expect, he will get his ass handed to him at the end of the film. He spends his spare time as a Metallica roadie. Upsides: He eats annoying people as a public service. Downsides: He’s always asking, “How does my hair look?”
