THE SHAOLIN MASTER – The head monk of the Shaolin monastery knows how to kick serious heaps of ass, but rarely does. Instead, he spends most of his time preoccupied with growing enormous eyebrows. Upsides: Everything he says sounds like a fortune cookie. Downsides: His yellow robe is dry-clean only and his eyebrows shed everywhere.


THE VILLAIN – Often looking like a Chinese John Waters or Gomez Adams, the Villain spends most of his time being the neighborhood dick due to his mastery of a powerful Kung Fu technique. He spends the rest of his time grooming his facial hair. Upsides: A remarkable sense of fashion. Downsides: He’s a total dick.




THE HOBO MASTER – This mentally unstable transient is secretly the master of a rare Kung Fu technique. He is the Obi Wan Kenobi of these films – teaching the Hero how to kick ass properly. Upsides: He can be easily paid with booze. Downsides: He smells like hangover and pee.


THE HOT (PEASANT) CHICK – She serves as a living reminder to the Hero that he’s spent way too much time practicing Kung Fu, and so little time getting laid. Upsides: She’s good at cleaning blood off of the Hero. Downsides: She’s always a kidnapping waiting to happen.






THE EVIL KUNG FU MASTER – Looking like an Asian Glamrock Bassplayer, he is flamboyant evil incarnate. As we all expect, he will get his ass handed to him at the end of the film. He spends his spare time as a Metallica roadie. Upsides: He eats annoying people as a public service. Downsides: He’s always asking, “How does my hair look?”

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• What effect does Frankenberry cereal have on the color of your poop?

• Does albino pornography exist on the Internet.

• Making soap from bacon fat.

• The medical truth behind ‘Chinese Restaurant Syndrome.’

• The great inventory of crappy balloon animals.

Today we are proud to offer you the results of a 30-day investigation into the mechanics of “mood rings.” Though most mood rings come with a color guide to help you understand the meaning of each of the colors, we have come to find that most of these guides are totally incorrect. Below is a more accurate guide to the colors of mood rings, based upon 63 total hours of original scientific observation at Blogadilla Laboratories.

We hope that this contribution to science will once again benefit humanity in the way that so many of our other works have.

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Update [timbotron]:
Closer inspection of the packaging reveals: the Quaker got grillz!

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TEFLON FLU – influenza-like symptoms resulting from exposure to the noxious fumes and byproducts of polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE): commercially known as “Teflon.” Symptoms include malaise, fever, chills, nausea, aches, cough and other respiratory maladies. By 392ºF Teflon-coated cookware can emit fluorocarbon gases, by 550ºF the Teflon will begin to deteriorate and powderize, and by 680ºF it will generate toxic fumes. In a 20/20 news demonstration, frying bacon in a Teflon pan reached 500ºF. These fumes are known to be lethal to birds.

One of the noxious byproducts of Teflon degradation is perfluoroocatnoate (PFOA), sometimes known as “C8.” PFOA is a known carcinogen – associated with liver, testicular, and pancreatic cancers. It has been associated with infertility and it has toxic effects on the liver, immune system, and can effect thyroid hormone levels. Here is the scary part – PFOA has been found in the blood serum of most Americans. Aside from Teflon cookware, PFOA has been found in microwave popcorn bags. In an exposé by 20/20, a DuPont representative admitted awareness of “teflon flu” . . . and so they have provided this detailed vague and helpful useless page on their website.

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CHINESE RESTAURANT SYNDROME – attributed to the flavor enhancer monosodium glutamate (MSG) which is commonly added to Chinese food, the symptoms of Chinese Restaurant Syndrome can include feelings of numbness, pressure, warmth or tingling of the skin at the back of the neck and extending to the back and arms; nausea; chest pain, rapid heartrate, or heart palpitations; bronchial reaction in asthmatics; weakness and drowsiness. The onset is usually within 15 to 20 minutes of ingesting food and symptoms persist for around 2 hours. Though this syndrome has been reported by many, clinical studies to date have yet to demonstrate a significant relationship between the consumption of (pure) MSG and this syndrome. Though no current studies have tested the effects of MSG consumed in the context of Chinese food – perhaps MSG in combination with other ingredients often found in American Chinese food may bring about this reaction in some individuals. MSG is a known excitotoxin at higher blood serum levels, though beyond what one would experience from eating Chinese food.

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Gomphocarpus Physocarpus aka “Balloon Plant” aka “Hairy Balls”, spotted in Washington, D.C. by our good friend Bumby!

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