Fall on Your Knees . . .

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

Two years ago, The Sneeze posted what may be the worst rendition of “O Holy Night” ever. In fact, this may be the the worst rendition of anything, ever. This song makes Baby Jesus cry.

Follow these directions:
•Turn the volume up as loud as it will go.
•Play this song.
•Halfway through the song, be prepared to pee a little bit; expect minor bleeding from the eardrums.

On an ascending scale of painful noises:
1 - car alarm
2 - mating humpback whales
3 - Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You”
4 - German Shepherd kicked in the crotch
5 - crying sick infant
6 - cat in heat
7 - Vietnamese pop music
8 - crying sick infant being beaten with a cat in heat
9 - Chinese opera
10 - this song

(via The Sneeze. God bless you, Steve)

2 Socks 1 Cup

Sunday, December 16th, 2007

If you haven’t seen “2 Girls 1 Cup” yet, I recommend that you don’t. Ever.

It’s goatse minus the charm and class.

It’s one of those things you just can’t un-see.

My friend Jodi and I made a sock puppet re-enactment of “2 Girls 1 Cup,” so you can get an idea of why your evil friends are telling you to watch it, but without actually having to sit through what may be the most disgusting thing on the internet ever.

Consider this video a warning:

Urban Non-Legends: Japanese Vending Machines That Sell (Pre-Worn) Underwear

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

This one is true. Even though we all wish it wasn’t.

In Japan, there are vending machines that sell underwear. Schoolgirls’ underwear. Previously worn and unwashed schoolgirls’ underwear.
Yes - an entire industry of trading-in the day’s underwear for a new pair. And underwear sold with a photo of the underwearer can fetch a higher price. The almighty Snopes has a nice article on this subject, which they report to be true.

(more…)

DRUG WARNING: Whiff-Its / Fart Huffing

Saturday, December 8th, 2007

After seeing how far the Jenkem urban legend has gone, “Brown Bagging” is screaming to be launched into the communtications network of idiots to see where it will go (others must be warned of this grave danger - this is a gateway drug to things like “Two Girls, One Cup”):

Friends Don’t Let Friends Do Craft

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

My friend Jodi recently confessed that she went through an irrational and shameful ‘crafty’ phase a couple of years ago.

After seeing the photos, I agree.
She was right to consider it “shameful.”

Jodi, you are going to hell.

Oaktree Goatse

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

In the parking lot behind Walgreen’s, this tree was screaming to be goatse-d:

*For those of you who’ve been spared the heinous fury of goatse [work-safe Wikipedia link], it was a website (taken offline in 2004) with a front page image of a man doing something inspeakable to his own butt. This site was often used as a prank: send your friends a bogus link taking them to goatse, then wait for the gagging sounds. It has since become a legendary internet reference, which has inspired a large number of tributes and artworks [SSFW - Semi-Safe For Work].

*Also: a nice Flickr gallery of images of people’s expressions after seeing goatse for the first time.

*And . . . if you’re brave or a sicko, here is a goatse mirror [WARNING: NSFWLPOMTIWHY - Not Safe For Work, Lunch, or Peace of Mind, This Image Will Haunt You]

[UPDATE 12/2/07]: My sister had never seen goatse before; there is nothing quite as funny as the genuine look of horror on someone’s face after seeing it for the first time.

[Update 12/11/07]: My friend Jodi just saw goatse for the first time. This is the look of Jodi soiling herself in horror.

Urban Non-Legend: Murderous Satanic Heavy Metal Bands

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Nearly every sinister aspect of the “Satanic Heavy Metal Band” stereotype holds true for Norwegian black metal band Mayhem [a.k.a. - "The True Mayhem"]: murder, suicide, Satanic worship (including the arson of churches), and rumored cannibalism.

During the band’s golden era, their shows included ‘Lord of the Flies’ decor: pigs’ heads on stakes, which were also sometimes worn by band members [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch].

Here is a brief outline of Mayhem’s macabre history:

1984 - Mayhem was founded by guitarist/vocalist Euronymous [Øystein Aarseth], bassist Necrobutcher [Jørn Stubberud], and Manheim [Kjetil Manheim]. They later added vocalists Messiah [Eirik Nordheim] and Maniac [Sven Erik Kristiansen].

1987 - Manheim left the band, tired of the lifestyle; Maniac left the band, institutionalized for depression after a failed suicide attempt.

1988 - Swedish vocalist Dead [Per Yngve Ohlin] joined the band in 1987, and drummer Hellhammer [Jan Axel Blomberg] joined in 1988. Dead was notoriously morbid: wearing rotting clothes and flayed pig skins and cutting himself on stage.

1991 - Euronymous opened-up the band’s independent music outlet in Oslo, called Helvete (”Hell’s Punishment”). This outlet was considered a center for the Satanic cult-like “Norwegian Black Metal Inner Circle”. According to Euronymous, the store’s grim decor was supposed to be “…like a black church in the future. We’ve thought about having total darkness inside, so that people would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.”

1991 Suicide - 22 year old lead singer Dead was found deceased in the home he shared with other band members - the result of an attempted suicide (by knife) and a successful suicide (by shotgun). Euronymous was the first to discover his body; he took photographs - one of which was stolen and became the cover art for a bootleg album of their music [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch]. Dead left a note saying “Excuse all the blood.” It was rumored that Euronymous ate pieces of Dead’s brain; Euronymous admitted he never did, though he said he had considered it. It is also reported that Euronymous and Hellhammer made necklaces from fragments of Dead’s skull.

1993 Arson - Necrobutcher left the band after the death of Dead and Hungarian black metal vocalist Attila Csihar and bassist Varg Vikernes joined the thinning band. Vikernes was found guilty of the 1992 arsons of Holmenkolle Chapel (Oslo), Skjold Church, and Åsane Church.

1993 Murder - Euronymous owed Vikernes a reported 30,000 Krone for album sales and related costs, which he refused to pay. Vikernes (and 21 year old Blackthorn [Snorre Ruch] from the band “Thorns”) came to Euronymous’s home; Euronymous was found dead with 23 stab wounds, the one in his forehead may have been the fatal blow. Vikernes, who is now serving time for the murder, claims Euronymous fell on broken glass.

1995 - present day - the band has continued on, currently with Attila Csihar on vocals, Blasphemer on lead guitar, Necrobutcher on bass, and Hellhammer on drums.

Their music is avaible for purchase on their Myspace page.

Halloween Paintjobs

Saturday, November 3rd, 2007

I paint [on] naked people, when time and people permit. Every Halloween, I paint less-naked/more-clothed people. Here are some highlights of friends and family that I’ve painted over the last 3 Halloweens (including this Halloween).


-This is me and what my skeleton probably looks like (2007).


-My neighbor Jeff, the living dead (2007).


-My sister, the Waitress of Doom (2006).


-My neighbor, FrankenTravis (2006).


-Heather, Prom Queen of the Damned (2006).


-Adam, the Shrunken Head (2005).


-Cindi, Nice Kitty (2002).


-Me, BeelzeTimbo (2005).

I Love the Smell of Frosting in the Morning

Sunday, October 28th, 2007

From the brilliant minds at [adult swim] - the awesomely awesome free Shockwave game “Candy Mountain Massacre”.

Something has gone terribly wrong with the denizens of Candy Mountain. Clad as a Japanese cosplay schoolgirl, your mission: free cupcake hostages while exterminating the explosive cookie-lobbing Keebler Elves Baker Leprechauns, bazooka-toting Hello Kitties Salutations Kittens, and the thumping Energizer Bunny Blue Rabbit.

His Seeing-Eye Dog STILL Can’t Drive Stick

Monday, August 13th, 2007

Last week, a 20 year old man from a small town outside the city of Tartu (in the Baltic nation of Estonia) was arrested for driving blind. Yesterday, he was arrested again - this time for driving blind and drunk.
Reuters link

Take Away Their Swords

Monday, August 13th, 2007

Never give a sword to a man who cannot dance.

When the Lord calls, He’ll use Verizon

Sunday, August 5th, 2007

[an update from a post last week]

San Jose, California - A cellphone redwood tree.

Paradise Valley, Arizona - A cellphone palm tree.

Pequannock Township, New Jersey - A giant cellphone crucifix tower.

(cellphone palm tree image from AZCentral, cellphone giant cross image from CBS2/WCBSTV)
(via Lionox News Blog)

Cop-on-Cop Crime

Friday, July 27th, 2007

Last Wednesday, two American tourists were mugged in the tropical city of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The muggers made-away with an MP3 player and the equivalent of $2,200.

•The victims were two San Francisco Police Officers.
•The muggers were two Rio de Janeiro Police Officers.

Reuters link

Haiku to an SUV Driver

Thursday, July 26th, 2007

The sign says “SMALL CAR”
An SUV is neither
I keyed your paintjob

[Feel free to submit your own parking/SUV haiku. I will post any good ones with a link to your site].

Victoria Beckham, proletariat.

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

The celebrity formerly known as Posh Spice, whose NBC special “Victoria Beckham: Coming to America,” airs July 16, insisted this week in an interview with the AP that she’s “just a normal girl from London.”

(News flash to Vicky: normal girls have this strange thing they do. It’s called EATING. Try it sometime. It’s fun. Trust me.)

Beckham, who will live with her family in a $22 milllion, 13,000-square-foot mansion in Beverly Hills, also called herself a “working mum.” Which makes this working mom want to slap her with my last daycare bill.

I’m sure her special will make for absolutely gripping television. Still, I think I’ll save my precious TiVo space for something else.

Paris Hilton: The Autopsy

Sunday, July 1st, 2007

The Capla Kesting Fine Art (CKFA) exhibit of the “Paris Hilton Autopsy”, by Daniel Edwards.

“With Paris’s legs splayed in stirrups for postmortem pelvic examination, the ‘Hilton Autopsy’ tragically reveals drunk driving’s heartbreaking collateral damage . . . fetal twins discovered in her uterus.”

more photos

(via Notcot)

Saturday, June 16th, 2007

I’ve been told by doctors and surgeons that I have the energy of ten men who have normal jobs.

Monday, June 11th, 2007

I used to act dumb. That act is no longer cute.

Paris Hilton: 40 More Days in Prison

Friday, June 8th, 2007

40 More Days

I could not resist.

Hilton’s 5 Days in Jail “A Life-Altering Experience”

Friday, June 8th, 2007

Heiress/attention-whore Paris Hilton calls her 5-day incarceration “a life-altering experience.” Within hours of her captivity, Hilton quickly rose to the top of the prison hierarchy after subjugating Cell Block D warlord “Queen Sharina” with a sock full of jewelry. Hilton, who converted to Islam during her captivity, claims “my eyes are now open . . . and I also learned to how to make cute knives from almost anything and how to smuggle a kilo of meth in my *&%$.” Though she has expressed her relief in being a free woman, she says she will miss her “bitchez” back in prison - most of whom were purchased with cartons of menthols or won in knife-fights.

We at Blogadilla are happy for Hilton and her new-found freedom - now she can resume her life of charty work, philanthropy, and searching for a cure for ovarian cancer.

NSFW - Do not enlarge photo.