I was flipping through the channels today and just as I happened to pass over gymnastics, I saw this– Alyssa Brown of Canada during her floor routine at the 2008 American Cup tries something a bit too difficult for her and gets absolutely pwned!
I have no idea what “Dong Dong Mao” means, but you know it’s going to be good when the description says:
“桃花朵朵开 peach blossom one after another.”
My personal hypothesis: this is a Chinese boy-band audition tape.
(via Susan)
As the author says, “Not sure who designed this, but I’m pretty confident they didn’t mean to make it look as if Jesus was showing his manhood to two children!”
I just made this video today. What happens to 32 “Marshmallow Peeps” in a microwave oven, what happens to an Easter egg in a microwave oven:
Original plot:
Developers are trying
to take our building.
The best parts of the
movie can be found on their
site: “Sweded movies.”
Melonie Diaz,
hottest lips in Hollywood.
I want to “Swede” her.
Save your $10.
Coming to a plane flight near
you: “Be Kind Rewind.”
What does this image represent? Here are some possible answers:
Believe it or not, this is an actual graphic from a real website demonstrating the proper technique for drawing blood from a cow. (You take blood from a vein on the underside of the tail - who knew?!) Here is a photo demonstrating the technique in action:
The website is from a company, BioTracking, that provides pregnancy tests for cows and other ruminants. If livestock reproduction technology makes you giggle like a schoolgirl then check out this link for a ram ejaculator. Seems to me that sheep farmers could save a lot of money by just going by Good Vibrations instead.
Once again, Google Maps is being put to good use.
RottenNeighbor.com - A venue to warn the universe about your as$hole neighbor who lets their dog crap on your front yard, or that creepy house down the block that might have a meth lab in the basement.
Though it will most likely be employed in anonymous abuse . . .
Por ejemplo:
To you jerks with the wind chimes! -
“Hey, do you people think that it was a coincidence that the wind chimes that hung off of your deck magically had a rubber band wrapped around them recently!? Maybe. Well, I was sure to put another one around it over the weekend. Hopefully, you will get the hint. Next time it keeps me awake or wakes me up I am going to take it to work and get it welded together. Thanks”
noisey sex -
“apt 28 has loud annoying sex till the wee hours of the morning”
(via Susan, via John, via BoingBoing)
In line at the grocery store, I’m staring off into space and then my eyes catch the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. In particular, the large purple hyphenated word “Va-jay-jay.” The full title is “Your Va-jay-jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts.”
Va-jay-jay!?!
Is this some tragic pseudo-urban hipster moniker for “vagina”!?!
Is this what the kids are calling it these days?!?
What about “Vagizzle,” “V-to-the-gina,” or “V. Diddy“?
And I suspect it is the answer to several other topics on the cover:
5 Things Never to Tell Your Guy
All 5 involve using the word Va-jay-jay to refer to your vagina.
Sex He Has Alone
You know why? Because you call it a Va-jay-jay and that’s weird and so he’s in the bathroom thinking about your sister instead of your Va-jay-jay!
Why Guys Cheat
Because they want to sleep with a woman who doesn’t call it a Va-jay-jay!
[Va-jay-jay update]: According to reader Isabel, this sounds-better-than-’cooter’ term for vagina has been around for some time (and I just don’t watch enough television), having appeared on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and even ‘Oprah’ (the perfect venue for promoting lame terms like this). Frankly, the word ‘Oprah‘ sounds like a better term for vagina than ‘Va-jay-jay.’
“This tight underwear makes my Oprah itch!”
I usually could give a flying F$%# about celebrities.
Other than making fun of them.
Go Fug Yourself has a great drunken Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone dialogue - this is some brilliant comedy writing.
(via Susan)
Thought Valentine’s Day is over, it’s not too late to give that special someone Gonorrhea.
Giant Microbes offers an extensive line of colorful plush microbes:
The Common Cold (Rhinovirus sp.)
Strep Throat (Streptococcus sp.)
Chlamydia (Chlamydia trachomatis)
Black Plague (Yersinia pestis)
Gonorrhea (Neisseria gonorrheae)
Herpes (Herpes Simplex Virus 2)
Syphilis (Treponema pallidum)
Ebola (Ebola)
Sleeping Sickness (Trypanosoma brucei)
Typhoid Fever (Salmonella typhi)
E. coli (Escherichia coli)
Lyme Disease (Borrelia burgdorferi)
Penicillin Mold (Penicillium chrysogenum)
T4 Bacteriophage Virus
Martian Life (fossil from Mars Rock ALH 84001) [coolness]
Staph Infection (Staphylococcus aureus)
Toxic Mold (Stachybotrys chartarum)
Giardia (Giardia lamblia)
Hepatitis C (Hepatitis C Virus, HCV)
Malaria (Plasmodium falciparum)
I think I’m in love.
February is Black History Month and February 18th is Presidents Day. Both of which have sucky decorations: no fancy trees, no decent costumes, no color schemes, and no lame candy.
Example: my friend Jodi recently presented me with a “Lincoln Pop.”
He turns your tongue black and tastes like a copper penny.
If you lick him long enough, he turns into “Angry Zombie Lincoln.”
[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]
The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.
Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.
Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.
And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.
These are actual photos (edited).
This video is why I’m going to a special level of hell reserved for thirteen-year-olds. This had to be done:
This girl’s videos (all 40 of them) have been “most viewed” hits on YouTube - and I have no f@#$ing idea why. Someone had to take her down a notch.
Allen, Texas: at their wedding reception, Chidi Ogbuta and her groom served-up a lifesized/lifelike Chidi Ogbuta cake.
CNN link
(photo credits: Uche Ogbonna/CNN)
Things heard at the wedding reception:
•”Dude, I ate your wife!”
•”I call dibs on her head!”
•”Dark meat, please.”
•”I just caught one of the caterers feeling-up the cake.”
•”Lucky bastard, you got an eyeball and part of a nose.”
•”Actually, the baker started with an Oprah cake and just made some changes to the hair.”
•”Can I have a piece with a flower breast?”
•”Gross! They used real hair!”
•”Man . . . your wife doesn’t taste like this.”
(via Susan, via John)
I recently saw this Halloween costume for sale and a potentially awkward scenario came to mind:
Scene: Halloween night, in a crowded bar/nightclub
Drunk Woman: “What the hell are you supposed to be?! Are you like a Zombie with Curtains or a Dead Conquistador or something?”
Ghost Ship: “I’m a Ghost Ship”
Drunk Woman: “Oh . . . like a Ghost Pirate in that Johnny Depp movie!”
Ghost Ship: “No. I’m like the boat in that movie.”
Drunk Woman: “You’re a boat . . . then why do you have a face?”
Ghost Ship:
“It’s my ghost part.”
“It’s called ‘Anthropomorphic Representation’.”
“Because I’m a ghost also and this is my skull.”
“I’m a personification of a Ghost Ship.”
“Uhh . . . I don’t know.”
Drunk Woman: “Huh?!?!”
Drunk Woman: “Hey, my friend Melissa is going as a Sexy Pirate. Can she ride on your shoulders?”
End Scene
The negative aspects of dressing up as a Ghost Ship:
•Guys in pirate costumes may try to board you, rob you, and then set you on fire in the middle of the ocean.
•The entire night people will ask you what the hell you’re supposed to be.
•’Walking your plank’ jokes get old.
•A group of meddling kids might try to disrobe you in an attempt to prove that you’re an underhanded amusement park owner.
•Guys in pirate costumes may try to ’swab your poopdeck.’
Two years ago, The Sneeze posted what may be the worst rendition of “O Holy Night” ever. In fact, this may be the the worst rendition of anything, ever. This song makes Baby Jesus cry.
Follow these directions:
•Turn the volume up as loud as it will go.
•Play this song.
•Halfway through the song, be prepared to pee a little bit; expect minor bleeding from the eardrums.
On an ascending scale of painful noises:
1 - car alarm
2 - mating humpback whales
3 - Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You”
4 - German Shepherd kicked in the crotch
5 - crying sick infant
6 - cat in heat
7 - Vietnamese pop music
8 - crying sick infant being beaten with a cat in heat
9 - Chinese opera
10 - this song
(via The Sneeze. God bless you, Steve)
Then again, maybe your day’s not that bad.
Have a happy holiday season, hopefully with some time outside the office.
Pharming - The act of illicitly redirecting a website’s traffic to another bogus website.
Phishing - Attempting to acquire sensitive personal information through email communications by impostering as a trusted business or institution.
Phideo - Profitting from video sales and rentals by impostering as a known movie; like phishing, phideos prey upon the drunk and the elderly.
I Am Ωmega (2007) - Like I Am Legend (2007), but less of a rip-off of The Ωmega Man (1971).
Transmorphers (2007) - Like Transformers (2007), but dyslexic.
Alien vs. Hunter (2007) - Like Alien vs. Predator (2004), except filmed in a park and they could only afford one alien costume because they spent all their money on the acting wizardry of Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.
