I am once again a bachelor, and old habits die hard, and thus I was in an Army surplus store today - clothes shopping. I’m in my mid-thirties and still think Army surplus stuff is cool.

Three words: Army Surplus Underwear.

And no, they weren’t used/pre-worn. They were new.

If you think about it, this is the underwear of action heroes (though technically ‘commando style’ is probably the real underwear of action heroes) - underwear designed for heavy combat, secret recon missions, and ninjas.

A few thoughts about this underwear come to mind:
•In combat, this underwear may be worn for several days at a time (no, I don’t intend to test this).

•It is brown . . . for the sake of camouflage.

•This camouflage may serve a different purpose: absconding skidmarks.

•Did the military select this particular color of brown for its skidmark concealing abilities?

•Did the military actually run tests to determine this color to be optimal, and if so, how did they do it?

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Have you had enough of college students wearing 3 polo shirts at the same time, each with its own massively popped collar?  Are you not convinced that pink is the new black?  Are you eager to rebel in fashion choice, but forced to be subtle?

If any or all of the above points pertain to you, or if you just want to laugh, check out ThreadPit’s “Tragically Hip” polo shirts…a hilarious choice for the “I’m-over-polo-shirts,-but-really-not”-type of guy:

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From Swedish artist Emma Megitt, Pee and Poo (called Kiss and Bajs in Swedish) are perhaps the warmest, steamiest, freshest renditions of the world’s most popular bodily functions. Available on keychains, t-shirts, and underwear (if you don’t have Pee and Poo on your underwear already).

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I think this winning combination could take the whole furry thing to a new level. Look at how happy they are.

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I love this bacon scarf. It’s subtle and the packaging really makes it a great gift. For your fancy, foodie friends you could say it was a prosciutto scarf.

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Behold the rotund fury of the Kool Aid Man t-shirt - it works best if you’re kinda fat. Hooded Sweatshirt also available.

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[clockwise from top left]

•Cactus Juice - Sun, Skin, and Outdoor Protectant: the perfect Summertime everything-lotion. SPF 20, moisturizes, non-toxic, and smells good. Even comes in a nice 2.5 oz size.

•The smell of Summer year-round: Demeter Fragrance “Suntan Lotion” perfume/cologne.

•The Brickwall LEGO Ring: use real LEGO pieces to accent this stylish silver ring. Comes in 1×2 and 2×2 bumps. (via Giant Robot)

•Hawaiian Shaved Ice Syrups: for shaved ice or festive cocktails. Best flavor: “Tiger’s Blood” (mixed tropical fruit).

•Reef sandals featuring the buttcheeks of Miss Reef models. This line came out last year, but still can be found with a little searching.

•Fear Factor Pop-Ups by Popsicle. Gumball eyeballs. Syrup blood. Black “sour watermelon” flavor.

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A nice write-on wash-off T-shirt from Think Geek.*

*If you don’t get it, see this. If you don’t like it, see this.

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Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Thermometer earrings - $52.00 at Shana Logic.

. . . and keep constantly informed of your wrist circumference with their ruler cuff/bracelet, $44.00.

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God help us. A recent shopping expedition with a friend for wedding attire made me want to punch a baby. Now, my friend works out 4-5 times a week, has an amazing shape, and knows what silhouettes flatter her best (in other words; a slinky, bias cut, bombshell dress). We looked everywhere (East Bay, SF, online…). Nothing. The only look available is empire waist dresses, empire waist everything.

Do you know this look?! If you’ve ever been in a maternity store you do. I guess by putting a seam under your boobs it’s supposed to make them look bigger and create some sort optical illusion to hide everything else. But really, there’s no better way to look pregnant. Why wasn’t this f’ing look in style when I was pregnant?! You could be beautiful Jessica Alba, size 1, and still look dumpy in this hideous concoction. And when coupled with those hideous gigantic graphic prints of the seventies, and some ballet flats, WOW, you can really look retarded. Haven’t you always wanted to look like a pregnant ballerina?

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The phattest phreshest dookiest belt ever.

Leather Graffiti Belt by Urban Outfitters.
Ghettoblaster Buckle by L.A. designer Han Cholo (gold plated version for $1,250).

Werd.

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