What is It? of the Week: A Rat King

Friday, February 15th, 2008

[Given that it is now the Chinese Year of the Rat, I thought this appropriate.]

A Rat King is not the King of Rats, despite what certain dippy ballets and Dungeons & Dragons geeks would have you think. A Rat King is a mythological creature composed of a mass of rats, stuck together by knotted and intertwined tails. This phenomenon is said to occur when rats nest together in large numbers and their tails somehow naturally tangle together. They are reported to move about as a single entity, running amock and scaring the sh!t out of everyone. This phenomenon/myth appears to be of European origin and the oldest report of a Rat King may date to 1564.

For examples of preserved (hoax) Rat Kings: Linkety - Link - Link

Perhaps only worse than a Rat King is the dreaded squawking Chihuahua King.

(via Susan)

Urban Non-Legend: Extra Wedding Photos

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]

The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.

Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.

Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.

And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.


These are actual photos (edited).

(•_•)

Saturday, February 2nd, 2008

This video is why I’m going to a special level of hell reserved for thirteen-year-olds. This had to be done:

This girl’s videos (all 40 of them) have been “most viewed” hits on YouTube - and I have no f@#$ing idea why. Someone had to take her down a notch.

Dark Abandoned Places

Saturday, January 19th, 2008

There’s nothing quite as creepy as an abandoned psychiatric hospital.

My recommendation: Turn out the lights and take a look at the spectacular Opacity [urban ruins] gallery of abandoned morgues and mental hospitals while playing tracks from Tom Waits’ ‘Bone Machine’.

Bonus Rounds: Tour abandoned fallout shelters or tour an abandoned missile silo while playing R.E.M.’s ‘It’s the End of the World as We Know It.’

(via Steve “Simply Spent”)

Thanks, Steve.

Two Bugs Enter, One Bug Leaves

Saturday, January 5th, 2008

Japanese Bug Fights!!!

Rhinoceros Beetle vs. Scorpion.
Mantis vs. Centipede.
Humanity and Taste vs. Fighting and Bugs.

(via Aardvark, via Joey Bravo)

A Black Christmas

Thursday, December 13th, 2007

Christmas can often be painfully upbeat: the nauseating repetition of the same 10 Christmas songs played in every store and business, the same 10 cherished Christmas movies playing on a continuous loop on television for 3 weeks solid, and cheerful dingbats wearing Santa hats in public as early as mid-November.

Last year, friend, Blogadilla reader, and Finnish goddess Elina sent me this fine quote from novelist Neil Gaiman, which helps to balance the equation:

“Nicholas was… older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own twittering tongue, and conducted incomprehensible rituals when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, and leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho. Ho. Ho.”

Glad Rag

Thursday, December 6th, 2007

[This is a guest post by my sister, Rebecca]:

Alternate Title: “Are You There God? It’s Me, Marketing

It’s 4:00 AM and after an hour of tossing and turning with a nauseating abdominal cramp, you finally get out of bed and go in search of some Alleve; you stumble in the dark to the bathroom and paw around in the cabinet for a maxipad. You turn on the light and find your Always pads, open one up and as you go to remove the adhesive label covering the ‘wings’ you read:
“Have a happy period!”

Are you f#$king sh!tting me!?!

Touring the Always website, I get the impression that this is a genuine attempt to ‘get’ young women and to somehow empower them in their monthly trials. To encourage female bonding, they have a whole campaign dedicated to promoting enjoyable menstruation, with a list of acronyms like HAHP (Have A Happy Period), MLB (My Lady Business), and GAP (Got A Pad?) - lots of hip lingo for discussing your period without actually using the words “blood”, “tampon” or “excruciating pain.”

They have suggestions for pampering yourself and indulging - to abate your feelings of depression, ugliness, and discomfort. They offer a downloadable calendar for keeping track of your ‘Happy Parties’ - they recommend having a ‘Happy Party’ every month with piñata and pedicure themes. Not only can you play a menstruation crossword puzzle and make downloadable iron-ons, but there is also a lame hormonal roller-coaster game (with a maxipad as the car). Seriously.

I can’t help but believe that the marketing person responsible for this whole whacked concept learned everything they know about periods from reading “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” Would a woman really come up with this bullsh!t?

I for one would really dig a feminine hygiene product campaign that cut the crap and had a sense of humor. I want to open a maxipad and have a fortune-cookie fortune on the label, something along these lines:

“You will feel bloated, puffy and ugly today.”
•”Thank god, you’re not knocked up!”
•”Do not wear tight white clothing.”
•”Use that dull aching pain in your back as an excuse to be a bitch.”
•”Don’t bother shaving your legs.”
•”Yes, everyone CAN tell that you’re on the rag.”
•”Do not go camping in bear territory this week.”
•”You’re not getting lucky tonight.”
•”Go with the flow.”

They could even print t-shirts that say in big red writing, “I am bleeding. F**k off!” that you can wear to your “Happy Parties” where you serve Bloody Marys and blood orange cosmopolitans, and sit around and bitch about how much pain you’re in (and how men suck for not having to experience it). The possibilities are really endless and would probably win over the menstruating market in a heartbeat!

And, no . . . I was not on my f*&king period when I wrote this.

By the Numbers: Evel Knievel

Monday, December 3rd, 2007

According to his last wishes, the remains of Robert “Evel” Knievel will be set on fire and launched over the Grand Canyon.
Given his recent passing, his final numbers can now be tallied:

Wives: 2
Longest Coma: 29 days
Pelvis Fractures: 3
Number of Broken Bones: (sources vary from 35 to 40)
Total Number of Days in the Hospital: 36 months
Number of Times Running an Anaconda Mining Company Earthmover into the Butte Montana City Powerlines: 1
Number of Mountain Lions Jumped at One Time: 2
Greatest Number of Cars Jumped at One Time: 19
Greatest Number of Greyhound Buses Jumped at One Time: 14
Convictions of Assault with an Aluminum Baseball Bat: 1
Arrests for Solicitation of a Prostitute: 1
Liver Transplants: 1
Back Taxes Owed in 1983: $1,600,000.00

Oaktree Goatse

Saturday, December 1st, 2007

In the parking lot behind Walgreen’s, this tree was screaming to be goatse-d:

*For those of you who’ve been spared the heinous fury of goatse [work-safe Wikipedia link], it was a website (taken offline in 2004) with a front page image of a man doing something inspeakable to his own butt. This site was often used as a prank: send your friends a bogus link taking them to goatse, then wait for the gagging sounds. It has since become a legendary internet reference, which has inspired a large number of tributes and artworks [SSFW - Semi-Safe For Work].

*Also: a nice Flickr gallery of images of people’s expressions after seeing goatse for the first time.

*And . . . if you’re brave or a sicko, here is a goatse mirror [WARNING: NSFWLPOMTIWHY - Not Safe For Work, Lunch, or Peace of Mind, This Image Will Haunt You]

[UPDATE 12/2/07]: My sister had never seen goatse before; there is nothing quite as funny as the genuine look of horror on someone’s face after seeing it for the first time.

[Update 12/11/07]: My friend Jodi just saw goatse for the first time. This is the look of Jodi soiling herself in horror.

To the Big Ramp in the Sky…

Friday, November 30th, 2007

Three days after settling a law suit against Kanye West, Evel Knievel has left us. The man certainly didn’t lead an easy life.

I’m putting the brakes on my proclivity towards discussing the love/hate relationship with Kanye that haunts my every thought as well as the handful of half baked conspiracy theories that have amassed in the old brain basement.

Instead, please enjoy this beautiful tribute to Evel.

Urban Non-Legend: Murderous Satanic Heavy Metal Bands

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Nearly every sinister aspect of the “Satanic Heavy Metal Band” stereotype holds true for Norwegian black metal band Mayhem [a.k.a. - "The True Mayhem"]: murder, suicide, Satanic worship (including the arson of churches), and rumored cannibalism.

During the band’s golden era, their shows included ‘Lord of the Flies’ decor: pigs’ heads on stakes, which were also sometimes worn by band members [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch].

Here is a brief outline of Mayhem’s macabre history:

1984 - Mayhem was founded by guitarist/vocalist Euronymous [Øystein Aarseth], bassist Necrobutcher [Jørn Stubberud], and Manheim [Kjetil Manheim]. They later added vocalists Messiah [Eirik Nordheim] and Maniac [Sven Erik Kristiansen].

1987 - Manheim left the band, tired of the lifestyle; Maniac left the band, institutionalized for depression after a failed suicide attempt.

1988 - Swedish vocalist Dead [Per Yngve Ohlin] joined the band in 1987, and drummer Hellhammer [Jan Axel Blomberg] joined in 1988. Dead was notoriously morbid: wearing rotting clothes and flayed pig skins and cutting himself on stage.

1991 - Euronymous opened-up the band’s independent music outlet in Oslo, called Helvete (”Hell’s Punishment”). This outlet was considered a center for the Satanic cult-like “Norwegian Black Metal Inner Circle”. According to Euronymous, the store’s grim decor was supposed to be “…like a black church in the future. We’ve thought about having total darkness inside, so that people would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.”

1991 Suicide - 22 year old lead singer Dead was found deceased in the home he shared with other band members - the result of an attempted suicide (by knife) and a successful suicide (by shotgun). Euronymous was the first to discover his body; he took photographs - one of which was stolen and became the cover art for a bootleg album of their music [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch]. Dead left a note saying “Excuse all the blood.” It was rumored that Euronymous ate pieces of Dead’s brain; Euronymous admitted he never did, though he said he had considered it. It is also reported that Euronymous and Hellhammer made necklaces from fragments of Dead’s skull.

1993 Arson - Necrobutcher left the band after the death of Dead and Hungarian black metal vocalist Attila Csihar and bassist Varg Vikernes joined the thinning band. Vikernes was found guilty of the 1992 arsons of Holmenkolle Chapel (Oslo), Skjold Church, and Åsane Church.

1993 Murder - Euronymous owed Vikernes a reported 30,000 Krone for album sales and related costs, which he refused to pay. Vikernes (and 21 year old Blackthorn [Snorre Ruch] from the band “Thorns”) came to Euronymous’s home; Euronymous was found dead with 23 stab wounds, the one in his forehead may have been the fatal blow. Vikernes, who is now serving time for the murder, claims Euronymous fell on broken glass.

1995 - present day - the band has continued on, currently with Attila Csihar on vocals, Blasphemer on lead guitar, Necrobutcher on bass, and Hellhammer on drums.

Their music is avaible for purchase on their Myspace page.

Thanksgivin’ It

Friday, November 23rd, 2007

Things said during Thanksgiving dinner that sounded dirty:

•Are you a fan of stuffing?

•Mmmm . . . warm buns!

•Give me more dark meat.

•Whose pie would you like to try?

•Breast, please.

Coffeetable Bosch

Sunday, November 4th, 2007

Now you can adorn your livingroom with hand-crafted Apocalyptic figurines. Creepy characters from the works of 16th century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch are available as figurines, by Parastone: “The Garden of Earthly Delights,” “The Last Judgement,” and “The Temptation of St. Anthony.”

(via Susan)

Video of the Supernatural

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

Because Halloween is near . . . It’s time to consider the supernatural and eat candy and listen to Tom Waits.

A supernatural presence in a nursery room is caught on nanny-cam (this is awesome):

Chupacabra!

Saturday, October 20th, 2007

A nice video of the Mexican Chupacabra (”goat sucker”).

Evil . . . Pure Evil

Thursday, October 18th, 2007

Jamie ‘Buffalo Bill’ Gumb in “Silence of the Lambs” highlighted the evil of poodle lapdogs. And now they are even eviler - they come in pink.
Take a look at the video.

(via ABC news)

Wikivandalism

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

The downside of a wiki site is that any garden variety blockhead can and will insert fart jokes. Doing some research on eclipses, I stumbled across (and almost missed) this small piece of wikivandalism.





The lesson: subtle vandalism survives longer than large/obvious vandalism.

Comment Spam

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007

Here on Blogadilla, and on most blogs I’m sure, we’re flooded with comment spam. Fortunately, we have Akismet to handle it, which usually does a great job. Nevertheless, a few spam comments slip through to moderation here and there, and a few legitimate comments make it into the spam filter, so I have to check it periodically.

Most spam comments are relatively standard in appearance, with links to sites where you can buy prescription drugs illegally, or enlarge your penis, etc. I’ve always thought these looked all goofy, and for someone to click on them, they’d have to be somewhat of a halfwit. I’m not sure of the exact economics of spam, but one can be sure that it must be effective on some level, or else spam would cease to exist.

Just today, however, my attitude toward spam changed, as I found a new spam derivative: ‘witty-quote spam.’ Sure, the email addresses and sites linked to are similar to the aforementioned spam comments, but at least in this case, the spammers are giving me something: witty quotes. I’ll spare you the link for pirated software or val1um, but here are a few of the good ones I got, just today:

“To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him” — John G Diefenbaker

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree” — Spike Milligan

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff” — Steven Wright

“Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away” — Philip K Dick

“I would have made a good Pope” — Richard Nixon

Lego Zombies

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

I love the idea of corrupting the vanilla Danish world of Lego. DYZPlastic offers a stellar line of Lego zombies.

Gummy Anatomy

Tuesday, September 25th, 2007

It’s the end of September and stores are already flooded with Halloween candy. Of course.

I bought the “Gummy Body Parts” assortment.

The pressing question is: What gummy body part is this?

It looks naughty. Let’s pretend it’s an ear.