If you answered YES to the previous question, turn back now, go somewhere safer, do not read any further (until you get home).
The following is so NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
I am officially naming the game “Smurf Porn.”
This is a game that you’ve likely played already:
Turn the “safe search” off on your browser and type in any word, plus the word “porn.”
Results: Holy sh!t.
20 minutes of this revealed stupefying results for “_____ + porn”:
One has to wonder how NationalBanana.com got Cuba Gooding Jr. to star in this hilarious spoof Cialis commercial. Then again, it’s not that crazy…things haven’t been going great for CGJ after Jerry Maguire’s success, as he’s taken on parts in a slew of Razzie-worthy movies such as Rat Race, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, Radio, A Dairy Tale, Norbit, and Daddy Day Camp, and now stars as the buffoon in Hanes commercials with Michael Jordan. Nevertheless, enjoy this clip:
For you collectors of either Dutch delft blue ceramics or dildos, here’s the holy grail of both worlds. I think the plug is so you can fill it with, er, well, I have no f’ing idea, but I’m sure you can come up with something… Either way I think it would make a nice addition to a figurine or fine china display case.
What does this image represent? Here are some possible answers:
how to check the oil on Bessie
a really good hiding place for a spliff, where no one will EVER look
something very very wrong and illegal in 39 states
junkie cows
where sausage comes from
‘T-boning’
a very lifelike “pin-the-tail” game
how to inflate your blow-up heifer doll
drunken shenanigans at the ol’ dairy farm
Believe it or not, this is an actual graphic from a real website demonstrating the proper technique for drawing blood from a cow. (You take blood from a vein on the underside of the tail - who knew?!) Here is a photo demonstrating the technique in action:
The website is from a company, BioTracking, that provides pregnancy tests for cows and other ruminants. If livestock reproduction technology makes you giggle like a schoolgirl then check out this link for a ram ejaculator. Seems to me that sheep farmers could save a lot of money by just going by Good Vibrations instead.
In line at the grocery store, I’m staring off into space and then my eyes catch the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. In particular, the large purple hyphenated word “Va-jay-jay.” The full title is “Your Va-jay-jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts.”
Va-jay-jay!?!
Is this some tragic pseudo-urban hipster moniker for “vagina”!?!
Is this what the kids are calling it these days?!?
What about “Vagizzle,” “V-to-the-gina,” or “V. Diddy“?
And I suspect it is the answer to several other topics on the cover:
5 Things Never to Tell Your Guy
All 5 involve using the word Va-jay-jay to refer to your vagina.
Sex He Has Alone
You know why? Because you call it a Va-jay-jay and that’s weird and so he’s in the bathroom thinking about your sister instead of your Va-jay-jay!
Why Guys Cheat
Because they want to sleep with a woman who doesn’t call it a Va-jay-jay!
[Va-jay-jay update]: According to reader Isabel, this sounds-better-than-’cooter’ term for vagina has been around for some time (and I just don’t watch enough television), having appeared on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and even ‘Oprah’ (the perfect venue for promoting lame terms like this). Frankly, the word ‘Oprah‘ sounds like a better term for vagina than ‘Va-jay-jay.’
“This tight underwear makes my Oprah itch!”
[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]
The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.
Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.
Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.
And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.
It goes without saying that the internet is an unstoppable fons of pornographic materials. No matter how weird it is, if you can imagine it, it’s probably on the internet (for example: “Latex Soccer Moms”).
With one exception: albino porn.
It is the unicorn of the pornographic world.
If you do a Google search for “albino porn,” you’ll find nearly 16,000 results. And they are all the same: bulletin boards with people saying, “Wow! I can’t find albino porn anywhere! It doesn’t exist!”
For the record: it does exist though I have no idea exactly where it came from. That is, on a bulletin board discussing this very subject, someone posted links [NSFW] to photos [NSFW] of what appears to be the same (albino) woman doing various interesting acts. And yes, she appears to actually be albino, versus really pale.
(Admit it, at least part of you wants to check out thelinks [NSFW]).
Wow.
It does exist.
Barely.
Here’s a Blogadilla challenge to someone out there:
If you happen to be albino and want to make a pioneering move for the internet and for albinos everywhere, send us naked photos of yourself (nothing too gross) and we will host (a work-safe link to) these images.
If you are this person, consider these three good reasons:
1). To stop 16,000 people from saying “Oh man, it doesn’t exist.”
2). To demystify albinism in an effective way: to spread (no pun intended) the message that albinos are just like everyone else, except less tan. . . . and with the power of flight and the ability to communicate with the dead.
3). To have the claim that you are perhaps one of only two albino erotic models on the entire internet.
[Side Note: Though albino pornstars barely exist, there are albino fashion models: the lovely Chinese fashion model Connie Chiu]
My friend Jodi and I made a sock puppet re-enactment of “2 Girls 1 Cup,” so you can get an idea of why your evil friends are telling you to watch it, but without actually having to sit through what may be the most disgusting thing on the internet ever.
Alternate Title: “Are You There God? It’s Me, Marketing“
It’s 4:00 AM and after an hour of tossing and turning with a nauseating abdominal cramp, you finally get out of bed and go in search of some Alleve; you stumble in the dark to the bathroom and paw around in the cabinet for a maxipad. You turn on the light and find your Always pads, open one up and as you go to remove the adhesive label covering the ‘wings’ you read: “Have a happy period!”
Are you f#$king sh!tting me!?!
Touring the Always website, I get the impression that this is a genuine attempt to ‘get’ young women and to somehow empower them in their monthly trials. To encourage female bonding, they have a whole campaign dedicated to promoting enjoyable menstruation, with a list of acronyms like HAHP (Have AHappy Period), MLB (My Lady Business), and GAP (Got APad?) - lots of hip lingo for discussing your period without actually using the words “blood”, “tampon” or “excruciating pain.”
They have suggestions for pampering yourself and indulging - to abate your feelings of depression, ugliness, and discomfort. They offer a downloadable calendar for keeping track of your ‘Happy Parties’ - they recommend having a ‘Happy Party’ every month with piñata and pedicure themes. Not only can you play a menstruation crossword puzzle and make downloadable iron-ons, but there is also a lame hormonal roller-coaster game (with a maxipad as the car). Seriously.
I can’t help but believe that the marketing person responsible for this whole whacked concept learned everything they know about periods from reading “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” Would a woman really come up with this bullsh!t?
I for one would really dig a feminine hygiene product campaign that cut the crap and had a sense of humor. I want to open a maxipad and have a fortune-cookie fortune on the label, something along these lines:
•“You will feel bloated, puffy and ugly today.”
•”Thank god, you’re not knocked up!”
•”Do not wear tight white clothing.”
•”Use that dull aching pain in your back as an excuse to be a bitch.”
•”Don’t bother shaving your legs.”
•”Yes, everyone CAN tell that you’re on the rag.”
•”Do not go camping in bear territory this week.”
•”You’re not getting lucky tonight.”
•”Go with the flow.”
They could even print t-shirts that say in big red writing, “I am bleeding. F**k off!” that you can wear to your “Happy Parties” where you serve Bloody Marys and blood orange cosmopolitans, and sit around and bitch about how much pain you’re in (and how men suck for not having to experience it). The possibilities are really endless and would probably win over the menstruating market in a heartbeat!
And, no . . . I was not on my f*&king period when I wrote this.
Behold! The Super-Awesome Action Hero Name Generator!!! Push the button for non-stop crime-fighting Action Hero names!!! You can’t fight zombies with a name like “Scooter.” Push the button and get ready for ACTION!!! [Does not work well with Internet Explorer - the browser of the feeble].
If you find yourself swimming in the Amazon River, wearing loose shorts (or naked), and urinating in the water - you may be in grave danger. A candirú just might swim into your urethra and lodge itself there. Long considered a myth or “bush legend,” this fear has recently (and unfortunately) come to light as true. The name “candirú” actually refers to several species in the Trichomycteridae family and the Vandelliinae subfamily - they are tiny, parasitic, transparent catfish that subsist upon the blood of larger fish. Most of these species lodge themselves among the gills of larger fish (they have sets of backward-facing spines around their head) and live on the blood of their unfortunate hosts. Accounts* also note that some candirú species lodge themselves in the anuses of larger (and terribly unfortunate) fish. Perhaps as a case of mistaken identity, they seem to be attracted to human urine (which perhaps has a chemical signature similar to fish excreta or gill respiration) and will advance to the source, and at times lodge themselves in that source. A 1997 incident of a young man (23 yrs old) near Manaus, Brazil who had a candirú removed from his manhood is one of the first extensively and scientifically documented cases (gnarly web archive photos of the procedure here). The dead specimen (a species of Plectrochilus), which was removed with some difficulty, measured 133.5mm long and 11.5mm at the widest part of its head. The man and his equipment survived intact. A fish this size seemed to have little difficulty working its entire body into the urethra of the poor man. To offer a sense of scale, here is an illustration of a Trichomycterid candirú with an American quarter (specimen illustration redrawn from Spotte).
*The definitive work on this subject is marine scientist Stephen Spotte’s “Candiru: Life and Legend of the Bloodsucking Catfishes.” Spotte has left no stone unturned in this extensive collection of candirú accounts and current research. I got it for Christmas, an awesome read.
