What does this image represent? Here are some possible answers:

• how to check the oil on Bessie
• a really good hiding place for a spliff, where no one will EVER look
• something very very wrong and illegal in 39 states
• junkie cows
• where sausage comes from
• ‘T-boning’
• a very lifelike “pin-the-tail” game
• how to inflate your blow-up heifer doll
• drunken shenanigans at the ol’ dairy farm

Believe it or not, this is an actual graphic from a real website demonstrating the proper technique for drawing blood from a cow. (You take blood from a vein on the underside of the tail – who knew?!) Here is a photo demonstrating the technique in action:

The website is from a company, BioTracking, that provides pregnancy tests for cows and other ruminants. If livestock reproduction technology makes you giggle like a schoolgirl then check out this link for a ram ejaculator. Seems to me that sheep farmers could save a lot of money by just going by Good Vibrations instead.

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In line at the grocery store, I’m staring off into space and then my eyes catch the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. In particular, the large purple hyphenated word “Va-jay-jay.” The full title is “Your Va-jay-jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts.”

Va-jay-jay!?!

Is this some tragic pseudo-urban hipster moniker for “vagina”!?!
Is this what the kids are calling it these days?!?
What about “Vagizzle,” “V-to-the-gina,” or “V. Diddy“?


And I suspect it is the answer to several other topics on the cover:

5 Things Never to Tell Your Guy
All 5 involve using the word Va-jay-jay to refer to your vagina.

Sex He Has Alone
You know why? Because you call it a Va-jay-jay and that’s weird and so he’s in the bathroom thinking about your sister instead of your Va-jay-jay!

Why Guys Cheat
Because they want to sleep with a woman who doesn’t call it a Va-jay-jay!


[Va-jay-jay update]: According to reader Isabel, this sounds-better-than-’cooter’ term for vagina has been around for some time (and I just don’t watch enough television), having appeared on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and even ‘Oprah’ (the perfect venue for promoting lame terms like this). Frankly, the word ‘Oprah‘ sounds like a better term for vagina than ‘Va-jay-jay.’
“This tight underwear makes my Oprah itch!”

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Thought Valentine’s Day is over, it’s not too late to give that special someone Gonorrhea.

Giant Microbes offers an extensive line of colorful plush microbes:

The Common Cold (Rhinovirus sp.)
Strep Throat (Streptococcus sp.)
Chlamydia (Chlamydia trachomatis)
Black Plague (Yersinia pestis)
Gonorrhea (Neisseria gonorrheae)
Herpes (Herpes Simplex Virus 2)
Syphilis (Treponema pallidum)
Ebola (Ebola)
Sleeping Sickness (Trypanosoma brucei)
Typhoid Fever (Salmonella typhi)
E. coli (Escherichia coli)
Lyme Disease (Borrelia burgdorferi)
Penicillin Mold (Penicillium chrysogenum)
T4 Bacteriophage Virus
Martian Life (fossil from Mars Rock ALH 84001) [coolness]
Staph Infection (Staphylococcus aureus)
Toxic Mold (Stachybotrys chartarum)
Giardia (Giardia lamblia)
Hepatitis C (Hepatitis C Virus, HCV)
Malaria (Plasmodium falciparum)

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[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]

The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.

Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.

Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.

And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.

These are actual photos (edited).

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It goes without saying that the internet is an unstoppable fons of pornographic materials. No matter how weird it is, if you can imagine it, it’s probably on the internet (for example: “Latex Soccer Moms”).

With one exception: albino porn.
It is the unicorn of the pornographic world.

If you do a Google search for “albino porn,” you’ll find nearly 16,000 results. And they are all the same: bulletin boards with people saying, “Wow! I can’t find albino porn anywhere! It doesn’t exist!”

For the record: it does exist though I have no idea exactly where it came from. That is, on a bulletin board discussing this very subject, someone posted links [NSFW] to photos [NSFW] of what appears to be the same (albino) woman doing various interesting acts. And yes, she appears to actually be albino, versus really pale.
(Admit it, at least part of you wants to check out the links [NSFW]).

Wow.
It does exist.
Barely.

Here’s a Blogadilla challenge to someone out there:
If you happen to be albino and want to make a pioneering move for the internet and for albinos everywhere, send us naked photos of yourself (nothing too gross) and we will host (a work-safe link to) these images.

If you are this person, consider these three good reasons:
1). To stop 16,000 people from saying “Oh man, it doesn’t exist.”

2). To demystify albinism in an effective way: to spread (no pun intended) the message that albinos are just like everyone else, except less tan. . . . and with the power of flight and the ability to communicate with the dead.

3). To have the claim that you are perhaps one of only two albino erotic models on the entire internet.

[Side Note: Though albino pornstars barely exist, there are albino fashion models: the lovely Chinese fashion model Connie Chiu]

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If you haven’t seen “2 Girls 1 Cup” yet, I recommend that you don’t. Ever.

It’s goatse minus the charm and class.

It’s one of those things you just can’t un-see.

My friend Jodi and I made a sock puppet re-enactment of “2 Girls 1 Cup,” so you can get an idea of why your evil friends are telling you to watch it, but without actually having to sit through what may be the most disgusting thing on the internet ever.

Consider this video a warning:

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Recently seen on the 1 train in NYC…

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