Once again, technology is put to good use: Atlanta bar owner Rufus Terrill has created the anti-vagabond “Bum Bot 2000.“
It has a 2,000,000 candlepower floodlight and a water cannon capable of 200 lbs of pressure. The object of this robot is to chase away vagrants, prostitutes, and pushers in his neighborhood. Many of Terrill’s targets are the “sort of people” drawn to a local emergency homeless shelter - he hopes to let them know they aren’t welcome to plague his public streets anymore. The camera feed on the Bum Bot 2000 is projected onto a big screen TV in Terrill’s bar, so patrons can watch prostitutes and hoboes get sprayed with water. This unstoppable security droid may have only one weakness, that hopefully the swarthy homeless will never discover: pushing it over.
Suggestions for a better name for this robot:
•Hobotron 2000
•The Roomba Wet T-Shirt Machine
•BumFighter X1
•Bigot-tron 4000
•The Hobo Soaker
•Go-Starve-Somewhere-Else-O-Matic
•The Hookernator
•Ho-Bot
•D!ckhead with a Watergun 9000
I want to invent “Drunkbot 3000″: it will regularly cover the floor of Terrill’s bar in vomit.
RottenNeighbor.com - A venue to warn the universe about your as$hole neighbor who lets their dog crap on your front yard, or that creepy house down the block that might have a meth lab in the basement.
Though it will most likely be employed in anonymous abuse . . .
Por ejemplo:
To you jerks with the wind chimes! -
“Hey, do you people think that it was a coincidence that the wind chimes that hung off of your deck magically had a rubber band wrapped around them recently!? Maybe. Well, I was sure to put another one around it over the weekend. Hopefully, you will get the hint. Next time it keeps me awake or wakes me up I am going to take it to work and get it welded together. Thanks”
noisey sex -
“apt 28 has loud annoying sex till the wee hours of the morning”
[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]
The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.
Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.
Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.
And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.
There’s nothing quite as creepy as an abandoned psychiatric hospital.
My recommendation: Turn out the lights and take a look at the spectacular Opacity [urban ruins] gallery of abandoned morgues and mental hospitals while playing tracks from Tom Waits’ ‘Bone Machine’.
Today I took a glamorous trip to the city dump - I had some dumping to do.
A sign at the entrance had me pondering what one could do to get kicked out of the city dump for life. It would go like this:
Bringing five tires full of paint thinner and urine on top of a huge pile of concrete with rebar (and garnished with meter wide tree stumps), while my seven smoking children are riding on top of the pile and giving dump employees the finger and telling them to go f%$# themselves, while whizzing past the front gate at 50 mph. And the truck itself is being pulled by a dogsled team. And we’ve come to take away as much crap as we brought (to sell on eBay).
The one (unposted) rule I actually did break: no photographs.
Two years ago, The Sneeze posted what may be the worst rendition of “O Holy Night” ever. In fact, this may be the the worst rendition of anything, ever. This song makes Baby Jesus cry.
Follow these directions:
•Turn the volume up as loud as it will go.
•Play this song.
•Halfway through the song, be prepared to pee a little bit; expect minor bleeding from the eardrums.
On an ascending scale of painful noises:
1 - car alarm
2 - mating humpback whales
3 - Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You”
4 - German Shepherd kicked in the crotch
5 - crying sick infant
6 - cat in heat
7 - Vietnamese pop music
8 - crying sick infant being beaten with a cat in heat
9 - Chinese opera
10 - this song
My friend Jodi and I made a sock puppet re-enactment of “2 Girls 1 Cup,” so you can get an idea of why your evil friends are telling you to watch it, but without actually having to sit through what may be the most disgusting thing on the internet ever.
This one is true. Even though we all wish it wasn’t.
In Japan, there are vending machines that sell underwear. Schoolgirls’ underwear. Previously worn and unwashed schoolgirls’ underwear.
Yes - an entire industry of trading-in the day’s underwear for a new pair. And underwear sold with a photo of the underwearer can fetch a higher price. The almighty Snopes has a nice article on this subject, which they report to be true.
After seeing how far the Jenkemurban legend has gone, “Brown Bagging” is screaming to be launched into the communtications network of idiots to see where it will go (others must be warned of this grave danger - this is a gateway drug to things like “Two Girls, One Cup”):
In the parking lot behind Walgreen’s, this tree was screaming to be goatse-d:
*For those of you who’ve been spared the heinous fury of goatse [work-safe Wikipedia link], it was a website (taken offline in 2004) with a front page image of a man doing something inspeakable to his own butt. This site was often used as a prank: send your friends a bogus link taking them to goatse, then wait for the gagging sounds. It has since become a legendary internet reference, which has inspired a large number of tributes and artworks [SSFW - Semi-Safe For Work].
*And . . . if you’re brave or a sicko, here is a goatse mirror [WARNING: NSFWLPOMTIWHY - Not Safe For Work, Lunch, or Peace of Mind, This Image Will Haunt You]
[UPDATE 12/2/07]: My sister had never seen goatse before; there is nothing quite as funny as the genuine look of horror on someone’s face after seeing it for the first time.
[Update 12/11/07]: My friend Jodi just saw goatse for the first time. This is the look of Jodi soiling herself in horror.
According to the AP, a South Korean man in Seoul was killed Wednesday by his cell phone, when the phone’s battery exploded in his shirt pocket. LG, the maker of the phone, claimed this was virtually impossible, but in light of other accidents, one has to wonder.
Nearly every sinister aspect of the “Satanic Heavy Metal Band” stereotype holds true for Norwegian black metal band Mayhem [a.k.a. - "The True Mayhem"]: murder, suicide, Satanic worship (including the arson of churches), and rumored cannibalism.
During the band’s golden era, their shows included ‘Lord of the Flies’ decor: pigs’ heads on stakes, which were also sometimes worn by band members [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch].
Here is a brief outline of Mayhem’s macabre history:
1984 - Mayhem was founded by guitarist/vocalist Euronymous [Øystein Aarseth], bassist Necrobutcher [Jørn Stubberud], and Manheim [Kjetil Manheim]. They later added vocalists Messiah [Eirik Nordheim] and Maniac [Sven Erik Kristiansen].
1987 - Manheim left the band, tired of the lifestyle; Maniac left the band, institutionalized for depression after a failed suicide attempt.
1988 - Swedish vocalist Dead [Per Yngve Ohlin] joined the band in 1987, and drummer Hellhammer [Jan Axel Blomberg] joined in 1988. Dead was notoriously morbid: wearing rotting clothes and flayed pig skins and cutting himself on stage.
1991 - Euronymous opened-up the band’s independent music outlet in Oslo, called Helvete (”Hell’s Punishment”). This outlet was considered a center for the Satanic cult-like “Norwegian Black Metal Inner Circle”. According to Euronymous, the store’s grim decor was supposed to be “…like a black church in the future. We’ve thought about having total darkness inside, so that people would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.”
1991Suicide - 22 year old lead singer Dead was found deceased in the home he shared with other band members - the result of an attempted suicide (by knife) and a successful suicide (by shotgun). Euronymous was the first to discover his body; he took photographs - one of which was stolen and became the cover art for a bootleg album of their music [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch]. Dead left a note saying “Excuse all the blood.” It was rumored that Euronymous ate pieces of Dead’s brain; Euronymous admitted he never did, though he said he had considered it. It is also reported that Euronymous and Hellhammer made necklaces from fragments of Dead’s skull.
1993Arson - Necrobutcher left the band after the death of Dead and Hungarian black metal vocalist Attila Csihar and bassist Varg Vikernes joined the thinning band. Vikernes was found guilty of the 1992 arsons of Holmenkolle Chapel (Oslo), Skjold Church, and Åsane Church.
1993Murder - Euronymous owed Vikernes a reported 30,000 Krone for album sales and related costs, which he refused to pay. Vikernes (and 21 year old Blackthorn [Snorre Ruch] from the band “Thorns”) came to Euronymous’s home; Euronymous was found dead with 23 stab wounds, the one in his forehead may have been the fatal blow. Vikernes, who is now serving time for the murder, claims Euronymous fell on broken glass.
1995 - present day - the band has continued on, currently with Attila Csihar on vocals, Blasphemer on lead guitar, Necrobutcher on bass, and Hellhammer on drums.
Their music is avaible for purchase on their Myspace page.
Now you can adorn your livingroom with hand-crafted Apocalyptic figurines. Creepy characters from the works of 16th century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch are available as figurines, by Parastone: “The Garden of Earthly Delights,” “The Last Judgement,” and “The Temptation of St. Anthony.”
