About every other month, my neighbor Kate and I will explore one of the many foreign grocery stores in our area. And we always come back with tons of random unidentifiable stuff. This month’s adventure: Daiso in Daly City, CA - it’s kind of like a Japanese Wal*Mart (everything in Daiso is $1.50).
What we brought back (each was only $1.50):
Japanese Barf Bags
Japanese Instant Inflatable Boobies
(Model: Kate)
Japanese Instant Swan Boner
(Model: Me. Note the creepy guy on the package)
Japanese Golden Nose with Blue Mucous
(model: Kate)
Apparently this case is not unique; previous New Zealand examples include: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy, Number 16, Bus Shelter, Violence, and (a personal favorite) Sex Fruit.
My sister buys a home and has a party.
I buy her a glow-in-the-dark Ouija Board as a housewarming present (useful around the home, no?).
It went something like this:
(Scene: Seven drunk people in the darkened empty livingroom of an old farmhouse, around 12:00AM.)
Us: “Oh great Ouija, can you hear us?”
Ouija: “YES”
Us: “Oh great Ouija, who are we speaking to?
Ouija: “YES”
Us: “Ouija, what is Jacob’s mother’s middle name?”
Ouija: “M-J-A-Z-A-Z-8″
Us: “Ouija, is there anything you want to tell us?”
Ouija: “YES”
Us: “What do you want to tell us?”
Ouija: “J-R-I-3-I-4-C”
(End scene)
Some observations:
• Ouija Boards often communicate with the living through license plate numbers.
• Some Ouija Boards might need “calibration” - though I’m not sure how to do it.
• Perhaps Ouija Boards can be drunk. Or deaf. Or illiterate.
• When returning a Ouija Board to Toys-R-Us, don’t tell them that you think it’s defective and you’d like to exchange it for one with “stronger spiritual powers.”
When I lived in Europe, television was filled with ads for ringtones and phone wallpapers. The majority of the ringtones were all lame/vulgar noises and the wallpapers were as campy as it gets.
Thus, I was inspired to create the World’s Most Awesome-est Ringtones and the World’s Most Awesome-est Phone Wallpapers.
Download and enjoy.
click on image for phone-sized downloadable version
Guess who’s not going to be vice president? That’s right– South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford. The state of South Carolina should be oh-so proud, with Sanford doing his best Lauren Caitlin Upton impression. Kudos to Keith Olbermann’s Countdown for this brilliant mashup.
This is Troy.
He is 39 years old.
His wife’s name is Paige.
They have three kids.
They live in Alabama.
Troy is a Republican Attorney General.
Troy has been very outspoken against homosexuality.
Paige recently caught Troy having sex with his male assistant in their bedroom.
Every year around the 4th of July, hundreds of eyewitness sightings of the elusive “Paul Revere” are reported. Also known as the “New England Sasquatch” and the “Colonial Skunk-Ape” - recent photographic evidence may offer the first substantial proof that this elusive creature is not the figment of the wild imaginations of shut-ins and hillbillies.
Our Blogadilla research team has acquired recent exclusive footage of this creature in its native habitat. The Paul Revere walks upright like a human being and has coloration which allows it to easily blend-in with its environment [Can you see it? Photos on the right enhanced for better viewing]. Our Blogadilla Heavy Industries research team suspects that this example is a female.
The bierbauch (which in German literally means “beer belly”) is essentially a camelbak for your stomach, making beer consumption easier than ever. Also from the makers of the bierbauch comes the getraenkebüstenhalter– a wine bra, so women can partake in the drinking action. Germans are equal opportunity drinkers!
In the 7th century BC, Sappho - poet and resident of the Greek island of Lesbos - wrote of her great love of women, and thus the term “lesbian” was born.
As well as the ancient Greek sport of hot girl-on-girl pillowfighting.
The 100,000 current residents of the island of Lesbos are now taking it back - citing that the use of “lesbian” to denote female homosexuality violates their human rights, as the “original Lesbians.”
There’s a bad “Who’s on First” comedy dialogue waiting to be written about this - it starts with “Where are you from?”
Throughout gradeschool and highschool, English teachers repeatedly stated that it was our civic duty as Americans to adore and admire the works of Mark Twain. Years later and I still hate him.
Here is a revised list of the many reasons why I think Mark Twain is a douche:
• Tom Sawyer Island and the Mark Twain Riverboat are the lamest rides at Disneyland.
• He gave his characters dippy names like Huckleberry and Pudd’nhead. No kid would have gone by the name Huckleberry - classmates would have called him Hucklefairy or Fuckleberry. And Pudd’nhead already sounds dirty.
• Mark Twain impersonators (”Twainies”) are the lowest strata of the nerd pecking order - even Star Trek geeks and Renaissance Faire nerds make fun of them and beat them up.
• He was overly fond of the word “Yankee,” and often used it as an obscene verb.
• Mark Twain and Colonel Sanders used to go to parties together dressed the same. They thought it would get them chicks.
• Both Ernest Hemingway and Jack London could have taken Twain in a fistfight.
• At a time when people were dying of cholera, the standards for humor were pretty low. Frog jumping contests and suckering someone into painting a fence = SO NOT FUNNY.
• There are dozens of public schools and parks named after Mark Twain, but there isn’t even a single parking lot named after Elmore Leonard.
Last April, British supermarket chain Tesco removed a model of padded bra from their shelves.
It was designed for 7-to-10-year-olds.
A Tesco representative said: “It is a product designed for girls at that self-conscious age when they are just developing. It is designed to cover up, not flatter, and was developed after speaking to parents.”
World's Awesome-est Ringtone: 
