• What effect does Frankenberry cereal have on the color of your poop?

• Does albino pornography exist on the Internet.

• Making soap from bacon fat.

• The medical truth behind ‘Chinese Restaurant Syndrome.’

• The great inventory of crappy balloon animals.

Today we are proud to offer you the results of a 30-day investigation into the mechanics of “mood rings.” Though most mood rings come with a color guide to help you understand the meaning of each of the colors, we have come to find that most of these guides are totally incorrect. Below is a more accurate guide to the colors of mood rings, based upon 63 total hours of original scientific observation at Blogadilla Laboratories.

We hope that this contribution to science will once again benefit humanity in the way that so many of our other works have.

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We at Blogadilla have the answers to many of Google’s suggested questions and we offer them here in a single convenient location:

Q: WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK?
A: Both have (inky) black quills.

Q: WHY IS MY POOP GREEN?
A: Aside from intestinal parasites (which also usually give you violent/aggressive bowel movements), green poop often results from iron supplements, vitamins, and certain pigments found in foods. Chlorophyll (the green pigment in green vegetables) in significant amounts can give you green poop, and anthocyanins (the blue-purple-red pigments in many fruits and vegetables) can also turn vidid green in your digestive tract.

Q: WHAT DOES MY NAME MEAN?
A: Do a search in most baby name books or online and you will come to grips with a secret fact about humanity: over 95% of first names when traced to their original meaning are something like “Gift of God,” “Love of God,” or “Messenger of God.” The remaining 5% are all regional forms of the name “Steve,” which was accidentally invented in AD 1151 as a misspelling of the name “Stuart” . . . which means “Gift of God.”

Q: WHO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD?
A: The consensus is that Indian actress and model Aishwarya Rai is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GUY LIKES YOU?
A: Even if he sleeps with you, there is still no sure way to tell. However, some good indicators are: remembering your name, returning your calls within 72 hours, he doesn’t introduce you to his family or friends, he is willing to sit through a “chick movie” with you (this is only an indicator if you’ve already had sex; if you haven’t yet, he may just be trying to get laid).

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A GIRL LIKES YOU?
A: This question assumes that she even knows if she likes you. With some women, this uncertainty can last for decades. Having sex is usually not a good indicator and in fact may just confuse you and her even more.

Q: WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?
A: The sexes of most mammals are differentiated in a very efficient way: we start early in the womb with “undifferentiated” genitalia (and having precursors to both testes and ovaries). Add a little testosterone and the genitals become male, and the testes remain and the ovaries disappear; the absence of testosterone will cause the testes to disappear, the ovaries to remain, and the genitalia to become female. Though our sex is genetically predetermined, males and females begin with the same general body plan and testosterone (in the womb) makes the minimum number of changes necessary to distinguish the sexes. It is economical to have nipples included in the “stock” human body plan (and to just keep them around in men), rather than undergo a separate process of developing them in women or removing them in men.

Q: WHERE ARE YOUR KIDNEYS LOCATED?
A: Inside you. From your navel (belly button) trace a line around to your (lower) back. On either side of your spine, just above that “navel line” is where your 2 kidneys are located.

Q: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HEAD, YOU RETARD?
[I didn't write this question, you did.]
A: Any number of things that bring into question your mental faculties, such as: eating a kitchen sponge, avoiding pork in fear of Swine Flu, laughing at Jeff Dunham’s puppet comedy, or championing Intelligent Design.

Q: WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?
A: Contrary to what your highschool science teacher said: it is not because the sky reflects the color of the ocean, and it’s not because blue is the wavelength of light that air best transmits (that is how the sky is blue, but not why). The tragically real answer: because air is blue colored. Yes. Much like water – which looks colorless in small volume but is blue when you get enough of it together – air is blue. You just need a lot of it to see this. Get enough farts together in one place and you will eventually see a color. My guess: olive green.

Q: WHY DO DOGS EAT POOP?
A: Like humans, dogs eat poop for a number of reasons. They do it for: nutrient deficiency, boredom, the breath-freshening qualities, cleaning-up after themselves, European porn, or to fit in with the other dogs.

Q: WHAT ARE THESE STRAWBERRIES DOING ON MY NIPPLES? I NEED THEM FOR FRUIT SALAD.
A: The most likely answer is that you are experiencing some type of sexual awakening, and that kinky uses for fruit are now taking precedence over your interest in eating. This is also the title of an instructional book by author Vanessa Feltz.

Q: WHY IS THERE A DEAD PAKISTANI ON MY COUCH?
A: 1). You are either watching an episode of “Lost.” or 2). It is not your couch, but the back seat of a taxi cab. And he is not dead, he is actually the cab driver. It is good that you are taking a cab instead of driving so drunk.

Q: WHY ARE ALL THE BLACK KIDS SITTING TOGETHER IN THE CAFETERIA?
[Remember, I didn't write this question. You did.]
A: Likely several reasons: the momentum of a long history of racism, segregation, and biased access to education and resources in the United States. “Self-segregation” can also be a factor – choosing to be with members of the same cultural or ethnic background, due to a greater number of interests in common. And also because the white kids are never as cool.

Q: WHO INVENTED THE INTERNET?
A: When people ask this question, what they’re really asking is “Who invented the World Wide Web?” The Internet is the physical network of computers, servers, switch-gates, etc. and the World Wide Web is all of the content, materials, porn, and applications that run on this network. And Tim Berners-Lee and Robert Cailliau invented this; by December 1990, Berners-Lee and Cailliau created the first web page ever, with the web address:
http://nxoc01.cern.ch/hypertext/WWW/TheProject.html
. . . it no longer exists, but here is a version of this first web page from 1992.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE PREGNANT?
A:
1). You had sex in the last 9 months.
2). You are more nauseous than normal (though “morning sickness” doesn’t occur in all pregnant women).
3). You get a short-yet-”cute” haircut and begin to wear unflattering clothing.
4). Your breasts get larger, your areolae (colored nipple circles) get darker and larger.
5). You eat and pee constantly.
6). A baby is coming out of your vagina.

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Burning Dog Poop Bonus Round:
Cameron from FreshFishBowl gives us a tour of the crappiest candy he got for Halloween.

Thanks for the awesome video, Cameron.
Next Halloween you could totally go as Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg.

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[Here are the first two temples, with two more on their way next week.]

[click on the photos for full-scale printable versions]

The Shaka Temple of 1,000 Hands

The Temple of the Lava Skull

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The list is long, scroll down the survey window V.

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TEFLON FLU – influenza-like symptoms resulting from exposure to the noxious fumes and byproducts of polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE): commercially known as “Teflon.” Symptoms include malaise, fever, chills, nausea, aches, cough and other respiratory maladies. By 392ºF Teflon-coated cookware can emit fluorocarbon gases, by 550ºF the Teflon will begin to deteriorate and powderize, and by 680ºF it will generate toxic fumes. In a 20/20 news demonstration, frying bacon in a Teflon pan reached 500ºF. These fumes are known to be lethal to birds.

One of the noxious byproducts of Teflon degradation is perfluoroocatnoate (PFOA), sometimes known as “C8.” PFOA is a known carcinogen – associated with liver, testicular, and pancreatic cancers. It has been associated with infertility and it has toxic effects on the liver, immune system, and can effect thyroid hormone levels. Here is the scary part – PFOA has been found in the blood serum of most Americans. Aside from Teflon cookware, PFOA has been found in microwave popcorn bags. In an exposé by 20/20, a DuPont representative admitted awareness of “teflon flu” . . . and so they have provided this detailed vague and helpful useless page on their website.

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FRANKENBERRY STOOL – the false appearance of blood in the stool from red commercial food dyes that do not degrade in the digestive tract (FD&C Red #2 and #3). The name was coined by doctors in the early 1970’s from false concerns about blood in the stool of children who had consumed General Mills’ “FrankenBerry Cereal.” General Mills has since changed the colorants in its cereal – I tested this a few years ago and it comes out the same as Count Chocula.

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CHINESE RESTAURANT SYNDROME – attributed to the flavor enhancer monosodium glutamate (MSG) which is commonly added to Chinese food, the symptoms of Chinese Restaurant Syndrome can include feelings of numbness, pressure, warmth or tingling of the skin at the back of the neck and extending to the back and arms; nausea; chest pain, rapid heartrate, or heart palpitations; bronchial reaction in asthmatics; weakness and drowsiness. The onset is usually within 15 to 20 minutes of ingesting food and symptoms persist for around 2 hours. Though this syndrome has been reported by many, clinical studies to date have yet to demonstrate a significant relationship between the consumption of (pure) MSG and this syndrome. Though no current studies have tested the effects of MSG consumed in the context of Chinese food – perhaps MSG in combination with other ingredients often found in American Chinese food may bring about this reaction in some individuals. MSG is a known excitotoxin at higher blood serum levels, though beyond what one would experience from eating Chinese food.

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