The new “Alice in Wonderland” is one of the few movies I have ever walked-out on.

In sum:
• This film has nothing to do with Lewis Carroll’s stories “Alice in Wonderland” or “Through the Looking Glass” beyond a hijacking of his characters for the sake of a poorly written story which fails to even accidentally capture the essence of Lewis Carroll’s works.

• Dear screenplay writer Linda Woolverton: EAT ME.

• I am watching “Beetlejuice” repeatedly to prevent myself from hating Tim Burton.

• Somewhere in the great beyond, the ghost of Walt Disney is raping the ghost of Lewis Carroll. In 3-D.

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I never knew the
Rules for zombie survival
Until this movie.

Many rules are key
But the most important is:
Always double tap.

Zombie Killing Bonus Round:

Two Haiku Video Game Review: Left 4 Dead

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Team up with three friends
And fight off bloodthirsty hordes
Of killer zombies

You cannot survive
The zombie apocalypse
Without shotgun shells

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This weekend’s new release “Watchmen” truly warrants a minute-by-minute report of my movie theater watching experience:

TIME: 22 minutes – Relatively captivating start: an elderly superhero can really take a beating.

TIME: 47 minutes – Okay, we get it. Character development. These heroes are all complex and grim. We get it. Where the hell is the plot!?

TIME: 56 minutes – Those candies, Dots, are actually pretty good when they’re fresh. They don’t stick to your dental work when they’re soft.

TIME: 1 hour 10 minutes – Ozymandias reminds me of this flamboyant guy in highschool who was head of the drama club and really into George Michael. Oh, wait. I get it.

TIME: 1 hour 23 minutes – Meat cleaver in the skull. So unnecessary. I wonder if those assholes in the 11th row are regretting bringing their 5-year-old child to this film. Years from now they’ll probably blame his violent behavior on television or public schooling.

TIME: 1 hour 38 minutes – Malin Ackerman showing her breasts in yet another movie. Most of this film is nerd porn.

TIME: 2 hours 05 minutes – If I painted my penis glowing blue, it would probably look like that.

TIME: 2 hours 46 minutes – Half of the theater has gotten up and left; the Sun will be rising soon and many have jobs that start early.

TIME: 3 hours 15 minutes – I finished all of the Dots hours ago, dehydration has set in and I have lost track of what day it is. There is actually a plot now, and I don’t care. I just want to go home.

TIME: 5 hours 51 minutes – If this is the theatrical release, the director’s cut must be something like 20 hours long.

TIME: 7 hours 21 minutes – Oh, thank God. Characters are dying. This means it will end soon. Right?

TIME: 8 hours 30 minutes – It is over. I feel like I’ve been raped by a comic book convention.

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Keanu Reeves comes
to Earth and gets all preachy.
With a big robot.

It lacked the key phrase;
no Klaatu Barada Nikto.
But had a cool orb.

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“W.” was good.
Oliver Stone played it safe:
no real surprises.

Josh Brolin was good.
Condoleeza was awesome.
I give it three stars.

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I laughed a few times
And there were some funny parts
but all said and done–

Not a great movie.
The saving grace of the film?
Tom Cruise (Les Grossman).

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Chrithtian Bale: okay.
Gyllenhaal: casting mistake.
Ledger: OUTSTANDING!

THE BEST Batman film.
It actually had a plot.
Two and a half hours.

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Like “The Matrix” but
without the Matrix. And the
good guys are all d!cks.

Jolie was like “Aaaagh!“
and her car went “Errrrrrrrtt!” and her
gun went “Psshhhiiiiw!” . . . Kick Ass!

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The movie War, Inc. finally came to a theater in my neighborhood.

Two words: “kick” and “ass.”

I loved it.

Brand Hauser (John Cusak) is an assassin on a mission in the war-torn mythle-eastern nation of Turaqistan. Hauser is posing as the producer of an arms convention, promoting Tamerlane military industries – the very corporation currently occupying the nation of Turaqistan. At the convention, Hauser meets journalist Natalie Hegalhuzen (Marisa Tomei) and obnoxious middle eastern pop star Yonica Babyyeah (Hilary Duff) . . . and all hell breaks loose in this Douglas Coupland-esque world.

War, Inc. has several of the best qualities of Cusak’s previous assassin dark comedy Grosse Pointe Blank – clever dialogue, a great soundtrack (that does not yet exist on iTunes, dammit), and several stellar fight/action scenes worthy of Martin Blank. This film also smelled heavily of Douglas Coupland and Naomi Klein’s “Baghdad Year Zero” (both of which are good smells).

Locate a showing at a theater near you.

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