No Country for Good Endings (Part II)

Monday, February 25th, 2008

Last week, Blogadilla co-author Allison and I did our share of bitching about the lack of an ending to the Coen Brothers’ hit movie “No Country for Old Men”.

To clarify: It is possible to have an ending without having “follow-through.” And this lack of “follow-through” is cinematic coitus interruptus. It is cruel and lame.

To illustrate our point: Here is a knock-knock joke I hope to someday tell writers/directors Joel and Ethan Coen:

Me: “Knock-knock!”

Joel and Ethan Coen: “Who’s there?”

Me: “Orange.”

Joel and Ethan Coen: “Orange who?”

Me: “. . .”

Joel and Ethan Coen: “Orange who!?!”

Me: “. . .”

Joel and Ethan Coen: “ORANGE WHO!?!”

Me: “Tommy Lee Jones had a dream about his dad. F#ck you!”

Two Four Haiku Movie Review: Be Kind Rewind

Sunday, February 24th, 2008

Be Kind Rewind

Original plot:
Developers are trying
to take our building.

The best parts of the
movie can be found on their
site: “Sweded movies.”

Melonie Diaz,
hottest lips in Hollywood.
I want to “Swede” her.

Save your $10.
Coming to a plane flight near
you
: “Be Kind Rewind.”

Book Review: ‘How to Good-Bye Depression If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?’

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

‘How to Good-Bye Depression If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? of Effective Way?’

Hiroyuki Nishigaki has once again surpassed rational thought and cut straight to the point: clenching your anus 100 times a day is both an obvious and malarkey-free cure for depression. And Nishigaki’s rectal breakthroughs can’t be compromised by such petty things as coherent English or scientific evidence:

In addition your sex energy will begin to become strong again by constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times everyday following the life style of long lived British. But, you had better reduce the frequency of ** and of ## to less then half If possible. If you are less than 40 or 50 years old, you may become impatient and want to rape secretively. You will not be able to sleep thirsting for a young beautiful woman or man almost all night at the beginning.

[But most of the long lived British I've met ** and ## like five times a day and still want to rape secretively.]

(more…)

Two Haiku Movie Review: The Orphanage (El Orfanato)

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

“The Orphanage” (El Orfanato)

Haunted orphanage!!
Creepy ghost with a doll mask.
Ghost kids are the worst.

I squealed like a girl.
What’s the Spanish word for “AAAAAAGHHH”?
Almost puked tapas.

Two Haiku Movie Review: Cloverfield

Monday, January 21st, 2008

Cloverfield Movie Poster

Handheld cameras
Half Blair witch, Half Godzilla
All entertaining.

Don’t make my mistake
And sit too close to the screen;
Headaches will ensue.

Note: for a crazy picture of the Cloverfield monster, click here.

Two Haiku Movie Review: I Am Legend

Friday, December 14th, 2007

I Am Legend (a.k.a.- “The Omega Man in Black”)

A virus outbreak.
Bad animation zombies.
The Fresh Prince survives.

The Omega Man
meets 28 Days Later.
Typical New York.

Book Review: The Boy Detective Fails

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

I heard about Joe Meno’s “The Boy Detective Fails” from the blog of Jackson Publick [the co-creator of the oh so amazing "Venture Brothers"].

In simple terms: Great story.

In complex terms: Billy Argo was the boy detective - famous and unbeatable, the constant subject of newspaper headlines. He solved the mysteries of haunted candy factories and amusement parks.

Now in his thirties and living in a psychiatric halfway-home, Billy’s life is on the decline. Recent odd happenings force him to resurrect his childhood vocation: Who is making entire buildings in the city disappear, who is the mysterious pickpocketing woman in pink, who is the man with no face, and - the biggest question of all - what happened to Billy’s sister Caroline?

What does a boy detective do when his arch enemies are now elderly and senile, and will he ever regain the lost purpose and enthusiasm of his youth? This is a beautiful story of loss and failure and the struggle to continue on.

Meno also adds wonderful emersive details to this story: coded messages that you, the reader, must decode and an awesome super-secret hidden story.

An entertaining and philosophical read.

An Open Letter to Mike and Ike

Sunday, December 9th, 2007

Dear Mike and Ike,

We’ve been through a lot together - all of those movies we’ve seen together and all of those times you’ve been there for me when I was too lazy to make myself breakfast. This is why I am deeply saddened to write you this letter.

Last night, I bought a large box of your Tangy Twister flavors and when I opened the box, a small bag of candy fell out. Though I respect this effort to keep your candy fresher, the box was only half-full.

The box was not half-empty: it was half-full of candy, and half-full of betrayal and grief.

I understand that current political debates over same-sex marriage has put a great strain on your relationship (rumor has it that you were almost Mike and Sergio for a few months), but your personal lives are affecting your products. When I opened up that box last night and a small bag of candy fell out, it was a grief comparable to getting to second base with a buxom woman you’ve taken to dinner for three weeks, only to find that she was wearing an extremely padded bra the entire time.

Mike, and my beloved Ike, I’m sorry to say that I cannot take you (nor Mike’s Latino cousin Hot Tamales) to the movies anymore until you get a handle on your lives. Until then, I will be taking my ex — that chocolatey slut Milk Duds — to the movies instead.

Farewell you cheap bastards,
Tim

Glad Rag

Thursday, December 6th, 2007

[This is a guest post by my sister, Rebecca]:

Alternate Title: “Are You There God? It’s Me, Marketing

It’s 4:00 AM and after an hour of tossing and turning with a nauseating abdominal cramp, you finally get out of bed and go in search of some Alleve; you stumble in the dark to the bathroom and paw around in the cabinet for a maxipad. You turn on the light and find your Always pads, open one up and as you go to remove the adhesive label covering the ‘wings’ you read:
“Have a happy period!”

Are you f#$king sh!tting me!?!

Touring the Always website, I get the impression that this is a genuine attempt to ‘get’ young women and to somehow empower them in their monthly trials. To encourage female bonding, they have a whole campaign dedicated to promoting enjoyable menstruation, with a list of acronyms like HAHP (Have A Happy Period), MLB (My Lady Business), and GAP (Got A Pad?) - lots of hip lingo for discussing your period without actually using the words “blood”, “tampon” or “excruciating pain.”

They have suggestions for pampering yourself and indulging - to abate your feelings of depression, ugliness, and discomfort. They offer a downloadable calendar for keeping track of your ‘Happy Parties’ - they recommend having a ‘Happy Party’ every month with piñata and pedicure themes. Not only can you play a menstruation crossword puzzle and make downloadable iron-ons, but there is also a lame hormonal roller-coaster game (with a maxipad as the car). Seriously.

I can’t help but believe that the marketing person responsible for this whole whacked concept learned everything they know about periods from reading “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” Would a woman really come up with this bullsh!t?

I for one would really dig a feminine hygiene product campaign that cut the crap and had a sense of humor. I want to open a maxipad and have a fortune-cookie fortune on the label, something along these lines:

“You will feel bloated, puffy and ugly today.”
•”Thank god, you’re not knocked up!”
•”Do not wear tight white clothing.”
•”Use that dull aching pain in your back as an excuse to be a bitch.”
•”Don’t bother shaving your legs.”
•”Yes, everyone CAN tell that you’re on the rag.”
•”Do not go camping in bear territory this week.”
•”You’re not getting lucky tonight.”
•”Go with the flow.”

They could even print t-shirts that say in big red writing, “I am bleeding. F**k off!” that you can wear to your “Happy Parties” where you serve Bloody Marys and blood orange cosmopolitans, and sit around and bitch about how much pain you’re in (and how men suck for not having to experience it). The possibilities are really endless and would probably win over the menstruating market in a heartbeat!

And, no . . . I was not on my f*&king period when I wrote this.

Book Reviews: Wanderlust and Point It

Monday, November 12th, 2007

Two books I am currently in love with (and they have no words, only pictures):


“Wanderlust” by Troy M. Litten - A wonderful collection of travel photos that sum-up a profound principle: the journey can be as dynamic as the destination. Litten’s photos capture the world of transit around the globe: an orange-tiled hotel bathroom, cryptic restroom signs, airplane meals, greasy food carts on the street, vivid taxi paintjobs, cups of coffee in 18 different hotels and restaurants.


“Point It” by Dieter Graf - this book just may be the most brilliant travel tool ever devised. Graf has created a language-free travel dictionary; namely, it is a pocket-sized book of photos of nearly anything that one would need (or one might encounter) while travelling. You don’t know the Russian word for “eggplant” - just point at the picture of it on the vegetable page. You can’t speak Mandarin and you want to know what meat you’re eating - the waiter can point to the deer, the cow, the goat, the bunny, the elk . . .

Dieter Graf, thank you for saving my ass in Estonia more than once.

Bacon Chocolate

Saturday, November 10th, 2007

No joke.

Bacon . . . and Chocolate.

Two great flavors that go together like . . . snakes and planes.

The Vosges Haut Chocolate Bacon Bar.

I recently tried it* - it has small bits of applewood smoked bacon and alderwood smoked salt in it. Imagine smokey and salty (and bacony) with chocolatey. It’s not bad, it’s just unexpected: meat and candy. Imagine eating bacon and then shoving chocolate in there.

[*a birthday present from Blogadilla author and friend Aardvark]

Two Haiku Movie Review: Into the Wild

Monday, November 5th, 2007

McCandless was right,
with great quotes and bad music,
about feeling strong.

Every one should,
go into the wild sometime,
but do leave a trail.

Too Bad I Torched My Journals…

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Mortified is the live show where real people tell their own life stories through the lens of angst injected personal relics. Performers share journal entries, home videos, song lyrics and other souvenirs from their stretch on Hormonal Row with hilarious end results.

With regular performances in major cultural meccas such as New York, San Francisco and L.A. and a companion book (with a second installment due early next year), Mortified proves to be more than just a frivolous jaunt through the annals of pre-adulthood jack-assery. Beyond the knee-slapping, Mortified succeeds by not shying away from the heavy stuff and allowing audiences to share in the catharsis.

Mortified lives in the same brilliant head space as Postsecret.com and Found Magazine; where humor and reality have a happy accident and we all get to take a little comfort in the ubiquity of the human condition.

Enjoy this animated interpretation of William Patrick Nolan Jr.’s excerpt, I Hate Drake.

UPDATE!:

There’s going to be a Portland show! PDXers, let’s hit it up November 17th at the Someday Lounge!

Two Haiku Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited

Sunday, October 14th, 2007

The Darjeeling Limited

Anderson’s 5th film.
Fear and Loathing in Bengal -
high on cough syrup.

The soundtrack is great.
An entertaining movie,
would watch it again.

Two Haiku Movie Review: Resident Evil Extinction

Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

Resident Evil: Extinction

The cast of Thriller
versus Milla Jovovich.
And Milla kicks ass.

Undead zombie crows.
And tons of exploding heads.
Great family film.

Two Haiku Movie Review: Shoot ‘Em Up

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Shoot ‘Em Up

A baby, carrots,
and a sh!tload of bullets.
It’s Kung Fu with guns.

Worth watching, but gross.
Somehow during the gunfight
a story broke out.

Two Haiku Movie Review: “The Kingdom” (sneak peek edition)

Friday, September 7th, 2007

The Kingdom - In Theaters September 28, 2007

Lots of blood and gore;
Not an optimistic film.
Fox News’ favorite.

Jennifer Garner
is very, very badass.
Don’t give her a knife!

Two Haiku Movie Review: “Balls of Fury”

Monday, September 3rd, 2007

Balls of Fury

Def Leppard soundtrack.
Christopher Walken was great.
Everyone else . . . sucked.

If you have seen the
trailer for this film then you’ve
seen all the best parts.

NFL Predictions: Star Wars Style

Sunday, August 26th, 2007

18to88.com, an Indianapolis Colts fan website, gives their take on the upcoming NFL season, using Star Wars characters as representations of each team’s predicted fate in ‘07-’08. The predictions are pretty funny and mostly well-reasoned, though is anyone surprised that a Colts’ website deemed Bill Belichick “The Emperor”?

(via Scott)

Two Haiku Movie Review: War

Saturday, August 25th, 2007

War

Jet Li cannot act.
I want back those one hundred
minutes of my life.

This is what happens
when you let your personal
trainer
write a film.