Throughout gradeschool and highschool, English teachers repeatedly stated that it was our civic duty as Americans to adore and admire the works of Mark Twain. Years later and I still hate him.

Here is a revised list of the many reasons why I think Mark Twain is a douche:

• Tom Sawyer Island and the Mark Twain Riverboat are the lamest rides at Disneyland.

• He gave his characters dippy names like Huckleberry and Pudd’nhead. No kid would have gone by the name Huckleberry – classmates would have called him Hucklefairy or Fuckleberry. And Pudd’nhead already sounds dirty.

• Mark Twain impersonators (”Twainies”) are the lowest strata of the nerd pecking order – even Star Trek geeks and Renaissance Faire nerds make fun of them and beat them up.

• He was overly fond of the word “Yankee,” and often used it as an obscene verb.

• Mark Twain and Colonel Sanders used to go to parties together dressed the same. They thought it would get them chicks.

• Both Ernest Hemingway and Jack London could have taken Twain in a fistfight.

• At a time when people were dying of cholera, the standards for humor were pretty low. Frog jumping contests and suckering someone into painting a fence = SO NOT FUNNY.

• There are dozens of public schools and parks named after Mark Twain, but there isn’t even a single parking lot named after Elmore Leonard.

Share this:

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks

[I just finished reading it (and yes, I know this book has been out a while)]:

By title alone, you are probably thinking one of two things:
a). “Cool! Zombie fiction!“
b). “Dear God . . . Zombie fiction?!?“

Here’s the catch: it’s not so much about zombies, it’s about how different societies would react to a global pandemic. However, the pandemic in this story happens to be the reanimated dead. And author Max Brooks didn’t get lazy about it either – he did his homework, he left no technical detail to chance. The only real fiction is the zombie part: no Deus ex machina, no laser guns invented to save humanity.

Topically, Brooks found a fascinating subject, flush with interesting questions:
“How would China or Canada react to a pandemic?”
“What is the best way to stop a pandemic from spreading across the globe?”
“What would happen to the average person when their town/city is overrun?”
“What would our government do?”
“How would we rebuild?”

Brooks also chose the perfect format for this type of story – the story is told through interviews (dozens and dozens of interviews) with different people around the world who were at significant events/moments during the spread of the disease and/or the subsequent war.

Bonus Round: It’s already on its way to being a feature film in 2010.

Share this:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

“Weekend at Bernie’s”
featuring Harrison Ford.
Was great . . . but he’s OLD.

Cate Blanchett: sexy
Russian dominatrix chick
with a bad accent.

I wanted to hate
Shia LaBeuof, but he was
great in this movie.

Karen Allen: great,
if only she were alive.
She played a mummy.

Share this:

Iron Man

Thought I would hate it.
It was surprisingly good:
four stars out of five.

Downey and Paltrow
truly made the movie great.
Will watch it again.

Bonus Round: Iron Man T-Shirt

Share this:

Baby Mama

I like Tina Fey.
And Amy Poehler kicks ass.
But the film was dull.

It really dragged on.
45 minutes too long.
It felt like nine months.

Share this:

Shutter (2008)

Japanese ghost chick.
Like ‘The Grudge’ with photographs.
New meaning: “dark room.”

A good ghost story.
The Thai version was better.
Now neck cramps scare me.

Share this:

This year, the new up-and-coming (North American) bands are coming from two places: Portland and Toronto.

Best described as a glorious lovechild of the Zombies and the Beatles, Portland’s The Lark is one of the bands to keep your eyes on this year. I recommend you have a listen to their Muxtape sampler; my personal favorites are: “Come Lately,” “Everyday,” and “Always Right.” If I had to predict the one song that will launch them into greater notoriety, it would be “Always Right.”

The Lark are still relatively fresh and are trying to gain a fair cruising altitude – if you like their sampler, you can help them out by requesting them for the upcoming Portland PDX Pop Now! 2008 music festival.

You’ll be able to say that you’re so indie cool because you knew about them way back in 2008. But we already think you’re cool because you’re reading Blogadilla.

Share this: