In the 7th century BC, Sappho - poet and resident of the Greek island of Lesbos - wrote of her great love of women, and thus the term “lesbian” was born.
As well as the ancient Greek sport of hot girl-on-girl pillowfighting.
The 100,000 current residents of the island of Lesbos are now taking it back - citing that the use of “lesbian” to denote female homosexuality violates their human rights, as the “original Lesbians.”
There’s a bad “Who’s on First” comedy dialogue waiting to be written about this - it starts with “Where are you from?”
If you answered YES to the previous question, turn back now, go somewhere safer, do not read any further (until you get home).
The following is so NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
I am officially naming the game “Smurf Porn.”
This is a game that you’ve likely played already:
Turn the “safe search” off on your browser and type in any word, plus the word “porn.”
Results: Holy sh!t.
20 minutes of this revealed stupefying results for “_____ + porn”:
As the saying goes, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
And those words are:
• Jerry Springer
• “Actually, this is our second child.”
• “Will the real Slim Shady please sit down?!”
• “We cut Sex-Ed class.”
• Future congressman of Arkansas.
• “We got a ‘3-for-the-price-of-2′ special on these photos.”
• 30-year-old grandma.
• “I look just like Demí.”
• “Let’s bring the baby to prom!”
For you collectors of either Dutch delft blue ceramics or dildos, here’s the holy grail of both worlds. I think the plug is so you can fill it with, er, well, I have no f’ing idea, but I’m sure you can come up with something… Either way I think it would make a nice addition to a figurine or fine china display case.
I love my ipod. I talk to it. “I love you, ipod.” I have it full of obnoxious Justin Timberlake videos. But, I had no idea I could love it this way. Dang.
“Simply plug OhMiBod into your iPod® or any music player and it automatically vibrates to the rhythm and intensity of the music. Let your body feel the vibrations as you get down with your favorite tunes”.
Also check out Boditalk - “Boditalk™ is activated by calls made to or from your cell phone when in close range. The cell signal triggers a unique 3 pattern vibrating sequence that lasts for the entire call – enabling you to “get off while you’re on.”"
It goes without saying that the internet is an unstoppable fons of pornographic materials. No matter how weird it is, if you can imagine it, it’s probably on the internet (for example: “Latex Soccer Moms”).
With one exception: albino porn.
It is the unicorn of the pornographic world.
If you do a Google search for “albino porn,” you’ll find nearly 16,000 results. And they are all the same: bulletin boards with people saying, “Wow! I can’t find albino porn anywhere! It doesn’t exist!”
For the record: it does exist though I have no idea exactly where it came from. That is, on a bulletin board discussing this very subject, someone posted links [NSFW] to photos [NSFW] of what appears to be the same (albino) woman doing various interesting acts. And yes, she appears to actually be albino, versus really pale.
(Admit it, at least part of you wants to check out thelinks [NSFW]).
Wow.
It does exist.
Barely.
Here’s a Blogadilla challenge to someone out there:
If you happen to be albino and want to make a pioneering move for the internet and for albinos everywhere, send us naked photos of yourself (nothing too gross) and we will host (a work-safe link to) these images.
If you are this person, consider these three good reasons:
1). To stop 16,000 people from saying “Oh man, it doesn’t exist.”
2). To demystify albinism in an effective way: to spread (no pun intended) the message that albinos are just like everyone else, except less tan. . . . and with the power of flight and the ability to communicate with the dead.
3). To have the claim that you are perhaps one of only two albino erotic models on the entire internet.
[Side Note: Though albino pornstars barely exist, there are albino fashion models: the lovely Chinese fashion model Connie Chiu]
My friend Jodi and I made a sock puppet re-enactment of “2 Girls 1 Cup,” so you can get an idea of why your evil friends are telling you to watch it, but without actually having to sit through what may be the most disgusting thing on the internet ever.
This one is true. Even though we all wish it wasn’t.
In Japan, there are vending machines that sell underwear. Schoolgirls’ underwear. Previously worn and unwashed schoolgirls’ underwear.
Yes - an entire industry of trading-in the day’s underwear for a new pair. And underwear sold with a photo of the underwearer can fetch a higher price. The almighty Snopes has a nice article on this subject, which they report to be true.
Have you had enough of college students wearing 3 polo shirts at the same time, each with its own massively popped collar? Are you not convinced that pink is the new black? Are you eager to rebel in fashion choice, but forced to be subtle?
If any or all of the above points pertain to you, or if you just want to laugh, check out ThreadPit’s “Tragically Hip” polo shirts…a hilarious choice for the “I’m-over-polo-shirts,-but-really-not”-type of guy:
I’m not being mean. It’s true. A recent study by the National Center for Health Statistics found that “29% of American men report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9% of women report having sex with 15 or more men.” (My question: who cares?)
The study used “high-tech methods” (i.e., people answered the survey questions on a computer instead of in face-to-face interviews) to “solicit candid answers.” In other words, to keep people from lying, because your average co-ed isn’t going to admit to some researcher that she had sex with 23 guys named Biff last Spring Break.
Personally–and NO, I’m not going to tell you where I fall–I think there’s a major flaw here. (You know, ‘cuz I’m such an sociologist, having written 3 books on sex.) The data was collected from 6,237 adults aged 20 to 59. Now, isn’t there a higher probability that a 50-year-old San Franciscan will have had more sexual partners than a 20-year-old in the Bible Belt? I’m just saying.
Other factoids from the survey:
96% of adults in the U.S. have had sex. Some of them make up for the other 4%, and then some. You know who you are.
17% of men and 10% of women have had two or more partners in the past year. These people are also known as “divorcees.”
25% of women and 17% of men have had no more than one partner of the opposite sex. Ever. Just thinking of all the bad sex these folks have missed makes me want to weep.
The survey doesn’t take into account marital status or geographical location. And it didn’t include the homeless, prison inmates or other “institutionalized adults.” Draw your own conclusions. I’m afraid to.
Remember as a kid trying to find the ultimate latch-hook rug kit with rainbows and unicorns OR if you were lucky, some disgusting blend of both?
Well now you can graduate to the soft porn version. At MadeWithSweetLove.com you can buy latch-hook rug kits and make your own porn rug! This one is fabulously gigantic (and not for sale), but you can buy smaller ones and make some nice throw pillows for your couch.
I have to thank my sick friend Hollie for introducing me to this smut!
