Proof that cellphones are evil and that exorcisms can be performed by your microwave.

(via Neatorama)

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Garry Kasparov: 0

Flying Penis: 1

Russian Security Guard: 2 (+1 for aerial smackdown)

(via Gorilla Sushi)

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It looks like General Zod may give the other presidential candidates a run for their money.

“Kneel before Zod, son of Jor-el!!!

link: Vote for Zod 2008

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Over a decade ago, I was a substitute elementary school teacher (and later a full-time junior high Spanish teacher).

Scene: I’m in charge of a roomfull of 1st graders. A tiny boy walks up to my desk, hands me a piece of paper.

Me: What is this?

Tiny Boy: It’s a picture I drew . . . of you.

Me: What’s wrong with my teeth?!?

Tiny Boy: [laughing his head off] YOU HAVE ANTS IN YOUR TEETH!!!

End Scene

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• Wikipedia - the “Mother of all Wikis . . . and -pedias”.

• Uncyclopedia - like Wikipedia, but drunk.

• Conservapedia - like Wikipedia, but stupid and paranoid.

• Dickipedia - like baseball cards, about jerks.

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Japanese McDonald’s Commercial

I’m so confused:
She’s hot in a Milla Jovovich “Fifth Element” kind of way (hot), but she’s dressed as Ronald McDonald (creepy), and it reminds me of Ron English (subversive and hip) and clown porn (creepy).

(via Accordion Guy)

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Q: Are you currently at work?

1). YES
2). NO

If you answered YES to the previous question, turn back now, go somewhere safer, do not read any further (until you get home).

The following is so NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

I am officially naming the game “Smurf Porn.”
This is a game that you’ve likely played already:
Turn the “safe search” off on your browser and type in any word, plus the word “porn.”

Results: Holy sh!t.

20 minutes of this revealed stupefying results for “_____ + porn”:

• Smurf (I so wish I was kidding about this one)

• Zombie

• Dinosaur (apparently dinosaurs speak German)

• Bowling

• Power Rangers (via Fleshbot)

• Airline Stewardess (duh, but I had to see)

• Bigfoot (Oh, man.)

• The Easter Bunny (Is nothing sacred!?!)

• The Exorcist

• Superman (yes, the man of steel)

• Clown (this just made every childhood birthday party a little creepy)

[and their arch-enemies StopClownPornNow.org]

• Ballet

• McDonald’s (called “Mzinald’s”)

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Wanna see something scary?

The ice cap over the North Pole is almost gone as of this year, seasonal ice is all that remains.

The Earth is balding - maybe we can do a ‘comb-over.’

The upshot: my apartment might become beachfront property in the next decade!

New Scientist Video

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Here are two photos from the Digg front page that were too irresistible to pass up.  Say what you will about Microsoft, Apple, and the people who use them, but no one can argue that this is simply not smart business!

This shot includes Steve Balmer:

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Today I took this picture of a Starbucks . . .
FROM INSIDE A STARBUCKS ACROSS THE STREET!!!

San Francisco. 100 block of Battery Street near California Street.

I’m too cool to patronize a Starbucks, so let’s say I was in there to use the bathroom.

The Blogadilla Starbucks Challenge:
I will send a free Blogadilla T-shirt (when we get them made in the next month or so) to the first person who can send us a photograph with three separate Starbucks coffeeshops appearing in it.

Contest rules:
• Kiosks do not count, must be a full-fledged coffeeshop.

• They must be three separate Starbucks coffeeshops.

• You cannot use Photoshop, etc. - the photo must be untouched and all three must be clearly visible.

• It must be one photo, no panoramas (but send them anyway), or fish-eye lens shots.

• The photo must be yours and taken by you (not taken from a website, etc.).

• You must provide the specific addresses of the three Starbucks locations.

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How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight?

That’s right: all the years of wondering can finally be answered in one easy quiz. It’s good to know that those annoying yet wildly entertaining online quizzes haven’t gone anywhere!

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Bubblicious Ink’d: perhaps the first time a candy dyes your tongue blue on purpose and then brags about it.

And plus it has that cool urban spelling which the kids rave about: Ink’d.

A friend and I chew’d a pack . . .

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As the saying goes, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”

And those words are:
• Jerry Springer
• “Actually, this is our second child.”
• “Will the real Slim Shady please sit down?!”
• “We cut Sex-Ed class.”
• Future congressman of Arkansas.
• “We got a ‘3-for-the-price-of-2′ special on these photos.”
• 30-year-old grandma.
• “I look just like Demí.”
• “Let’s bring the baby to prom!”

From DIGG: The Best Yearbook Photo Ever.

(via Cindi)

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I saw this at an import grocery store today.

I had to buy it because the packaging mystified me: why the hell is this amorous couple on the package?!?
Will pumpernickel get you laid?
Is there something about pumpernickel that I should know?

Sexy pumpernickel moments:

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“‘Platypus’? I thought it was pronounced ‘platymapus.’ Has it always been pronounced ‘platypus’? ”

- Jessica Simpson

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Earlier this month I wrote a post about the spectacular theme-blog Stuff White People Like. And, of course, given the amount of attention this site has received, it was only a matter of time until someone did a lame ripoff. That day has arrived: Stuff Christians Like. Holy sh!t. Literally.

There are a few items that have yet to make it to their list:

#97 - Having to take conventional things and make them ‘Christian,’ as if everything in the secular world is just too damn corrupt or dangerous or just not magical enough.

#99 - Incessantly talking about being Christian in a self-congratulatory manner, to the point of making unimaginative blogs about it.

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So last week I turned 32. Looking at where I am at in my life and where I thought I’d be at 32, I feel pretty good–I’ve started my own business, traveled the world, already had a couple of interesting professions, I have good friends and a cool dog. I am however missing that special someone. I would have thought that at this age I would be getting serious about finding a life partner and have developed a refined list of desired qualities in a mate, such as shared interests, successful career, thoughtful and spiritual, great lover, etc. Instead, I have whittled my boyfriend requirements down to a pretty simple list of minimum standards. At this point my ideal date must be:

1. SINGLE (hard to believe, but I actually have to put this on the list)
2. Employed, making more than minimum wage (this is a tough one for me, but struggling artist/musician doesn’t count as employment)
3. Living in their own place (don’t have to own a house, just not be couch-surfing or living with their parents)
4. Born in the 70’s (although old dudes seem to dig me, I don’t dig them–Viagra or not)
5. The owner of a car (that runs)
6. Capable of basic hygiene and grooming (I don’t want someone I have to dress or who has flesh-eating bacteria)
7. Not the owner of a bong or a keg-erator (I’m flexible however on the keg-erator, they ARE handy for entertaining)
8. Straight (I’d consider openly bi-sexual, just not gay and in denial)

Looking back over the past 17 years or so of my love life I have to say that I have actually never been involved with someone who meets all of the above criteria. Sometimes I think it’s just me, but believe it or not I am kind of picky when it comes to men. And I’m kind of a catch. So, if you or someone you know fits the above criteria and lives within 30 minutes of Watsonville, CA, I’d be happy to hear from you! But at this point the next well-meaning person who asks me, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” is going to get punched in the mouth.

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Once again, technology is put to good use: Atlanta bar owner Rufus Terrill has created the anti-vagabond “Bum Bot 2000.“

It has a 2,000,000 candlepower floodlight and a water cannon capable of 200 lbs of pressure. The object of this robot is to chase away vagrants, prostitutes, and pushers in his neighborhood. Many of Terrill’s targets are the “sort of people” drawn to a local emergency homeless shelter - he hopes to let them know they aren’t welcome to plague his public streets anymore. The camera feed on the Bum Bot 2000 is projected onto a big screen TV in Terrill’s bar, so patrons can watch prostitutes and hoboes get sprayed with water. This unstoppable security droid may have only one weakness, that hopefully the swarthy homeless will never discover: pushing it over.

Suggestions for a better name for this robot:
•Hobotron 2000
•The Roomba Wet T-Shirt Machine
•BumFighter X1
•Bigot-tron 4000
•The Hobo Soaker
•Go-Starve-Somewhere-Else-O-Matic
•The Hookernator
•Ho-Bot
•D!ckhead with a Watergun 9000

I want to invent “Drunkbot 3000″: it will regularly cover the floor of Terrill’s bar in vomit.

Linkety-link: L.A. Times

(via Susan)

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Jodi’s cat (named “Steve”) has taken to crapping on her kitchen floor. Because he’s a d!ck.

Inspired by the Sprinkle Brigade, Jodi has turned this into an art challenge. Today’s cat poop artwork is entitled “Cigar.”

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In the words of my good friend JohnC, this video “justifies the entire existence of YouTube.”

What follows is an abridged history of American-centric warfare, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in each conflict.

If you get lost regarding the conflicts or which food represents each nation, check out this page, which breaks down each of the 8 battles depicted. Or, if you’re like me and just want to know which food represents each nation, check out the official cheat sheat.

(Thanks John!)

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