Earlier this month I wrote a post about the spectacular theme-blog Stuff White People Like. And, of course, given the amount of attention this site has received, it was only a matter of time until someone did a lame ripoff. That day has arrived: Stuff Christians Like. Holy sh!t. Literally.

There are a few items that have yet to make it to their list:

#97 - Having to take conventional things and make them ‘Christian,’ as if everything in the secular world is just too damn corrupt or dangerous or just not magical enough.

#99 - Incessantly talking about being Christian in a self-congratulatory manner, to the point of making unimaginative blogs about it.

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So last week I turned 32. Looking at where I am at in my life and where I thought I’d be at 32, I feel pretty good–I’ve started my own business, traveled the world, already had a couple of interesting professions, I have good friends and a cool dog. I am however missing that special someone. I would have thought that at this age I would be getting serious about finding a life partner and have developed a refined list of desired qualities in a mate, such as shared interests, successful career, thoughtful and spiritual, great lover, etc. Instead, I have whittled my boyfriend requirements down to a pretty simple list of minimum standards. At this point my ideal date must be:

1. SINGLE (hard to believe, but I actually have to put this on the list)
2. Employed, making more than minimum wage (this is a tough one for me, but struggling artist/musician doesn’t count as employment)
3. Living in their own place (don’t have to own a house, just not be couch-surfing or living with their parents)
4. Born in the 70’s (although old dudes seem to dig me, I don’t dig them–Viagra or not)
5. The owner of a car (that runs)
6. Capable of basic hygiene and grooming (I don’t want someone I have to dress or who has flesh-eating bacteria)
7. Not the owner of a bong or a keg-erator (I’m flexible however on the keg-erator, they ARE handy for entertaining)
8. Straight (I’d consider openly bi-sexual, just not gay and in denial)

Looking back over the past 17 years or so of my love life I have to say that I have actually never been involved with someone who meets all of the above criteria. Sometimes I think it’s just me, but believe it or not I am kind of picky when it comes to men. And I’m kind of a catch. So, if you or someone you know fits the above criteria and lives within 30 minutes of Watsonville, CA, I’d be happy to hear from you! But at this point the next well-meaning person who asks me, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” is going to get punched in the mouth.

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Once again, technology is put to good use: Atlanta bar owner Rufus Terrill has created the anti-vagabond “Bum Bot 2000.“

It has a 2,000,000 candlepower floodlight and a water cannon capable of 200 lbs of pressure. The object of this robot is to chase away vagrants, prostitutes, and pushers in his neighborhood. Many of Terrill’s targets are the “sort of people” drawn to a local emergency homeless shelter - he hopes to let them know they aren’t welcome to plague his public streets anymore. The camera feed on the Bum Bot 2000 is projected onto a big screen TV in Terrill’s bar, so patrons can watch prostitutes and hoboes get sprayed with water. This unstoppable security droid may have only one weakness, that hopefully the swarthy homeless will never discover: pushing it over.

Suggestions for a better name for this robot:
•Hobotron 2000
•The Roomba Wet T-Shirt Machine
•BumFighter X1
•Bigot-tron 4000
•The Hobo Soaker
•Go-Starve-Somewhere-Else-O-Matic
•The Hookernator
•Ho-Bot
•D!ckhead with a Watergun 9000

I want to invent “Drunkbot 3000″: it will regularly cover the floor of Terrill’s bar in vomit.

Linkety-link: L.A. Times

(via Susan)

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Jodi’s cat (named “Steve”) has taken to crapping on her kitchen floor. Because he’s a d!ck.

Inspired by the Sprinkle Brigade, Jodi has turned this into an art challenge. Today’s cat poop artwork is entitled “Cigar.”

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In the words of my good friend JohnC, this video “justifies the entire existence of YouTube.”

What follows is an abridged history of American-centric warfare, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in each conflict.

If you get lost regarding the conflicts or which food represents each nation, check out this page, which breaks down each of the 8 battles depicted. Or, if you’re like me and just want to know which food represents each nation, check out the official cheat sheat.

(Thanks John!)

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This is a little old, but I still love it:
The First Annual MySpace Stupid Haircut Awards.

(via i-am-bored.com)

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The world of LEGO has been missing the element of violence.
Until now.
The Brickarms LEGO weapons dealer.
They have everything, at low, low prices.

(via Notcot)

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Albanese Gummi Jet Fighters
(No, they are not from Albania).

Wow, it’s like an invasion in my mouth!

They’re an airstrike of flavor!

They’re carpet-bombing my taste buds!

Taste the collateral damage!

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Blogadilla co-author Allison and I just got back from watching 10,000 BC. The following is an inventory of our comments driving home from the movie:

•”It’s sad when the best actor in a movie is a computer animated Wooly Mammoth.”

•”If they show this on an airplane, I’m jumping.”

•”This is what happens when you take drugs in a natural history museum.”

•”I’ve picked scabs that were more satisfying.”

•”It was a great comedy.”

•”Roland Emmerich peaked at Godzilla.”

•”10,000 BC - yeah, 10,000 Bad Choices.”

•”Why is it that everyone in 10,000 BC looked like Adam Duritz from Counting Crows?”

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Starbucks has made bzillions on selling heinous frozen coffee abominations. Recently 7-Eleven has gotten in on the action in their own magical way: the Slurpucinno.

Yes, you guessed it. Slurpee + Capuccino.

Field-tested in Canada last year and now the flavor of the month(s) (Feb/March) at most 7-Eleven stores.

Morbid curiosity drove me to try one. I wanted to hate it, but it was actually pretty tasty.

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My friend Jodi works next to an extensive candy store. On a weekly basis, she brings me bizarre candy.

This week: Kandy Kastle “Lightning Bunny” candy.

For starters, the candy is designed around the concept that eating gummy bullsh!t is more fun in the dark. Which it is not. A package of 10 gummy blobs, and a pair of light-up tongs (which illuminate the gummy blobs). 

This candy may officially be the biggest hassle ever.
They have succeeded in the difficult task of making candy-eating complicated. 

Here are the instructions on the back of the package. No joke, have a gander:

1). Be careful removing the opp [sic] bag as you might damage the tongs.
2). Remove the battery “Pull Tag” from the tongs before using.
3). Use the tongs to pick up candy. The light will make the candy glow.
4). Do not mix old and new batteries. Do not mix alkaline, Standard (carbon-zinc), or rechargeable (nickel-cadmium) batteries.
5). Do not place in water as electronics will short.
6). Take out batteries when this toy is not in use.
7). When the light becomes weak, it is time to change the battery.
8). Only batteries of the same or equivalent type as recommended are to be used.
9). Batteries are to be inserted with the correct polarity.
10). Remove batteries when they are dead.
11). The supply terminals are not to be short-circuited.
12). Non-rechargeable batteries are not to be recharged.
13). Use only (2) AG3/LR41.
14). Do not dispose of batteries in fire.
Do not point light into eyes.
Do not put tongs into water, as it will damage them.

Holy Crap. Never mind. I’ll eat M&Ms instead.

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And Jodi also produced this fine work:
The Sherwood ‘Chick-N-Legs’ gummy drumstick.

It tastes like orange/vanilla.

On the package: “Gummi candy on a collectible plastic bone.”

The word “collectible” implies keeping multiple plastic drumsticks simply for the sake of doing so.

I’m going to make an awesome caveman necklace out of mine.

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Of the weddings I’ve attended, the theme was always “Wedding.”

But more and more, weddings are having themes. All too much like children’s birthday parties. The idea of a “Star Wars” wedding is nothing new, though it’s astounding to realize the sheer number of “Star Wars” weddings out there. I hope George Lucas feels like a dick about this.

Apparently, the bride and groom make movie props and costumes (so no Star-Warsy detail was left untouched): photo gallery and slideshow.





The bride and groom were married by Darth Vader, the groomsmen were Stormtroopers: video





The bride dressed as a bride, the groom came as Boba Fett: video





The groom came as Darth Vader, the bride came as Natalie Portman: video





Bonus Humiliation Round: The bride has a Hello Kitty shaped box on her nightstand. In it are her husband’s testicles. Life is hard enough when your English name is “Horlick”: video

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Perhaps a few steps up from the level of RottenNeighbor.com, CrimeReports.com combines Google Maps with local law enforcement reports (still not available in some areas).

[Update from Heywood]:

If you, like me, tried this out and it isn’t yet available for your neighborhood, invite your police chief. Just a few clicks.

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Once again, Google Maps is being put to good use.

RottenNeighbor.com - A venue to warn the universe about your as$hole neighbor who lets their dog crap on your front yard, or that creepy house down the block that might have a meth lab in the basement.

Though it will most likely be employed in anonymous abuse . . .

Por ejemplo:

To you jerks with the wind chimes! -
“Hey, do you people think that it was a coincidence that the wind chimes that hung off of your deck magically had a rubber band wrapped around them recently!? Maybe. Well, I was sure to put another one around it over the weekend. Hopefully, you will get the hint. Next time it keeps me awake or wakes me up I am going to take it to work and get it welded together. Thanks”

noisey sex -
“apt 28 has loud annoying sex till the wee hours of the morning”

(via Susan, via John, via BoingBoing)

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In line at the grocery store, I’m staring off into space and then my eyes catch the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. In particular, the large purple hyphenated word “Va-jay-jay.” The full title is “Your Va-jay-jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts.”

Va-jay-jay!?!

Is this some tragic pseudo-urban hipster moniker for “vagina”!?!
Is this what the kids are calling it these days?!?
What about “Vagizzle,” “V-to-the-gina,” or “V. Diddy“?


And I suspect it is the answer to several other topics on the cover:

5 Things Never to Tell Your Guy
All 5 involve using the word Va-jay-jay to refer to your vagina.

Sex He Has Alone
You know why? Because you call it a Va-jay-jay and that’s weird and so he’s in the bathroom thinking about your sister instead of your Va-jay-jay!

Why Guys Cheat
Because they want to sleep with a woman who doesn’t call it a Va-jay-jay!


[Va-jay-jay update]: According to reader Isabel, this sounds-better-than-’cooter’ term for vagina has been around for some time (and I just don’t watch enough television), having appeared on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and even ‘Oprah’ (the perfect venue for promoting lame terms like this). Frankly, the word ‘Oprah‘ sounds like a better term for vagina than ‘Va-jay-jay.’
“This tight underwear makes my Oprah itch!”

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[co-authored by Timbotron and Allison]

Last weekend, Blogadilla co-author Allison and I went to see the Coen Brothers’ film “No Country for Old Men”.

There are two major points we’d like to express:
1). Good movie.
2). The ending was the biggest load of sh!t ever!!!

We don’t want to give away the ending but . . .
THERE WAS NO F&#ING ENDING!!.

[Allison]:
“Can’t stop what’s comin.”
THEN LET IT COME ALREADY, B!TCH.
I PAID $10.50 TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND I WANT AN ENDING!
Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. Up until the end.

Here are our proposals for an ending for “No Country for Old Men”:
•The “Wonka” ending: Sherriff Bell hunts down Chigurh and tells him that he’s retiring and wants to give Chigurh the entire Chocolate Factory.

•Coen Bros. meets Tarantino ending: Chigurh limps away after the car crash and mistakenly walks into Zed’s pawn shop where Zed calls Tommy Lee Jones and says “looks like the spider caught a fly…”

•The Sarah Connor ending: In the final battle, Sherriff Bell discovers that Chigurh is a robot from the future sent to the past to stop the ending of the movie from ever really happening.

•The Skywalker ending: Sherriff Bell corners Chigurh and tells him the truth, “I don’t want to kill you. I just wanted to meet you . . . Son.” And a sobbing Chigurh and Bell embrace one another . . .

•The Tyler Durden: Sheriff Bell pursues Chigurh but can’t seem to find him, and over the phone Bell’s girlfriend Marla calls him “Chigurh,” and that’s when he realizes that he is . . .

Pet hypotheses for why the ending sucked:
•Ran out of film (Ethan Coen squandered a whole roll on interesting looking clouds).

•Soon after conjoined twins Joel and Ethan Coen were surgically separated (near the end of the filming of this movie), they decided that they couldn’t work together anymore.

•Cameraman died.

•The editor accidentally lost the last 10 minutes during a Robitussin binge.

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…but is it a true story? My Spidey Senses say (and a decent amount of Googling after the fact suggests) no. Nevertheless, Craziest is an entertaining way to spend 8 and a half minutes… if you’re into Scrabble, that is.

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I usually could give a flying F$%# about celebrities.
Other than making fun of them.
Go Fug Yourself has a great drunken Lindsay Lohan and Sharon Stone dialogue - this is some brilliant comedy writing.

(via Susan)

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Thought Valentine’s Day is over, it’s not too late to give that special someone Gonorrhea.

Giant Microbes offers an extensive line of colorful plush microbes:

The Common Cold (Rhinovirus sp.)
Strep Throat (Streptococcus sp.)
Chlamydia (Chlamydia trachomatis)