Urban Non-Legends: Albino Porn

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

It goes without saying that the internet is an unstoppable fons of pornographic materials. No matter how weird it is, if you can imagine it, it’s probably on the internet (for example: “Latex Soccer Moms”).

With one exception: albino porn.
It is the unicorn of the pornographic world.

If you do a Google search for “albino porn,” you’ll find nearly 16,000 results. And they are all the same: bulletin boards with people saying, “Wow! I can’t find albino porn anywhere! It doesn’t exist!”

For the record: it does exist though I have no idea exactly where it came from. That is, on a bulletin board discussing this very subject, someone posted links [NSFW] to photos [NSFW] of what appears to be the same (albino) woman doing various interesting acts. And yes, she appears to actually be albino, versus really pale.
(Admit it, at least part of you wants to check out the links [NSFW]).

Wow.
It does exist.
Barely.

Here’s a Blogadilla challenge to someone out there:
If you happen to be albino and want to make a pioneering move for the internet and for albinos everywhere, send us naked photos of yourself (nothing too gross) and we will host (a work-safe link to) these images.

If you are this person, consider these three good reasons:
1). To stop 16,000 people from saying “Oh man, it doesn’t exist.”

2). To demystify albinism in an effective way: to spread (no pun intended) the message that albinos are just like everyone else, except less tan. . . . and with the power of flight and the ability to communicate with the dead.

3). To have the claim that you are perhaps one of only two albino erotic models on the entire internet.

[Side Note: Though albino pornstars barely exist, there are albino fashion models: the lovely Chinese fashion model Connie Chiu]

Urban Non-Legends: The Weirdest Place You’ve Made Whoopee

Wednesday, December 19th, 2007

“The Newlywed Game” (1977):

Bob Eubanks: “Where specifically is the weirdest place that you personally, girls, have ever gotten the urge to ‘make whoopee’?”

Contestant (Olga): “Umm . . . the as$?”

A proud moment for Olga’s family:

Technically . . . “the as$” is a place.

Urban Non-Legends: Japanese Vending Machines That Sell (Pre-Worn) Underwear

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

This one is true. Even though we all wish it wasn’t.

In Japan, there are vending machines that sell underwear. Schoolgirls’ underwear. Previously worn and unwashed schoolgirls’ underwear.
Yes – an entire industry of trading-in the day’s underwear for a new pair. And underwear sold with a photo of the underwearer can fetch a higher price. The almighty Snopes has a nice article on this subject, which they report to be true.

(more…)

Urban Non-Legend: Murderous Satanic Heavy Metal Bands

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

Nearly every sinister aspect of the “Satanic Heavy Metal Band” stereotype holds true for Norwegian black metal band Mayhem [a.k.a. - "The True Mayhem"]: murder, suicide, Satanic worship (including the arson of churches), and rumored cannibalism.

During the band’s golden era, their shows included ‘Lord of the Flies’ decor: pigs’ heads on stakes, which were also sometimes worn by band members [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch].

Here is a brief outline of Mayhem’s macabre history:

1984 – Mayhem was founded by guitarist/vocalist Euronymous [Øystein Aarseth], bassist Necrobutcher [Jørn Stubberud], and Manheim [Kjetil Manheim]. They later added vocalists Messiah [Eirik Nordheim] and Maniac [Sven Erik Kristiansen].

1987Manheim left the band, tired of the lifestyle; Maniac left the band, institutionalized for depression after a failed suicide attempt.

1988 – Swedish vocalist Dead [Per Yngve Ohlin] joined the band in 1987, and drummer Hellhammer [Jan Axel Blomberg] joined in 1988. Dead was notoriously morbid: wearing rotting clothes and flayed pig skins and cutting himself on stage.

1991Euronymous opened-up the band’s independent music outlet in Oslo, called Helvete (”Hell’s Punishment”). This outlet was considered a center for the Satanic cult-like “Norwegian Black Metal Inner Circle”. According to Euronymous, the store’s grim decor was supposed to be “…like a black church in the future. We’ve thought about having total darkness inside, so that people would have to carry torches to be able to see the records.”

1991 Suicide – 22 year old lead singer Dead was found deceased in the home he shared with other band members – the result of an attempted suicide (by knife) and a successful suicide (by shotgun). Euronymous was the first to discover his body; he took photographs – one of which was stolen and became the cover art for a bootleg album of their music [NSFL - Not Safe For Lunch]. Dead left a note saying “Excuse all the blood.” It was rumored that Euronymous ate pieces of Dead’s brain; Euronymous admitted he never did, though he said he had considered it. It is also reported that Euronymous and Hellhammer made necklaces from fragments of Dead’s skull.

1993 ArsonNecrobutcher left the band after the death of Dead and Hungarian black metal vocalist Attila Csihar and bassist Varg Vikernes joined the thinning band. Vikernes was found guilty of the 1992 arsons of Holmenkolle Chapel (Oslo), Skjold Church, and Ã…sane Church.

1993 MurderEuronymous owed Vikernes a reported 30,000 Krone for album sales and related costs, which he refused to pay. Vikernes (and 21 year old Blackthorn [Snorre Ruch] from the band “Thorns”) came to Euronymous’s home; Euronymous was found dead with 23 stab wounds, the one in his forehead may have been the fatal blow. Vikernes, who is now serving time for the murder, claims Euronymous fell on broken glass.

1995 – present day – the band has continued on, currently with Attila Csihar on vocals, Blasphemer on lead guitar, Necrobutcher on bass, and Hellhammer on drums.

Their music is avaible for purchase on their Myspace page.

Urban Non-Legends: FrankenBerry Stool (Number Two)

Friday, August 3rd, 2007

Last month I posted an Urban Non-Legends article about “FrankenBerry Stool” – the medical term given to false “blood in stool” readings caused by red food coloring (the term arose from the early years of FrankenBerry cereal, which had horrified parents rushing red-stooled children to doctors). Last month I tested this and it appears that they changed the recipe: FrankenBerry came out indistinguishable from Count Chocula.

A friend reported “a recent colorful outcome” with BooBerry cereal (FrankenBerry’s poltergeist counterpart). I got some and gave it a try.

The results of “Operation BooBerry”
Though BooBerry turns milk blue, the final outcome was wholly unexpected: it was quite colorful, but not blue at all.

In sum: “FrankenBerry Stool” cannot be achieved anymore (with FrankenBerry). And “BooBerry Stool” is spectacularly vibrant, but not blue – to be technical about it (because this is scientific research after all and I’m not enough of a sicko to post photos), it is Pantone 368 or hex# 77bd33 (thanks Chris).

On a related note – it’s uncanny how Al Franken looks like FrankenBerry and Scott Bakula looks like Count Chocula.
(Yes: I had a lot of free time on my hands to make these. I <3 Photoshop)

Urban Non-Legends: FrankenBerry Stool

Friday, July 13th, 2007

Soon after its creation in 1971 (in the mad scientist labs of General Mills), many disdraught parents discovered that FrankenBerry cereal turned more than the milk pink. Apparently the red dyes in FrankenBerry did not break down in the disgestive tract, producing what medical professionals have come to refer to as “FrankenBerry stool.” Red and pink stuff was coming out of childrens’ bodies and parents were taking them to doctors to screen for internal bleeding. These incidents were common enough for the term “FrankenBerry stool” to make its way into medical literature.

In the name of science and all that is sophomoric, I took it upon myself to personally test this. Behold: “Operation FrankenBerry.” It is a hard-to-find cereal in my area, but luckly I was able to buy FrankenBerry on Amazon.com (also available through Hometown Favorites). Earlier this week, I had two sequential meals consisting of FrankenBerry.

The results: No FrankenBerry stool. They have changed the dyes since 1971. FrankenBerry comes out the same as Count Chocula.

Stay tuned.
Next research project: “Operation BooBerry” (accounts from friends indicate that it does turn things purple). I will post the results soon.

Note: Though the resemblance is uncanny, Al Franken is not affiliated with FrankenBerry.

Urban Non-Legend: In-N-Out Burger

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

In-N-Out Burger is the most secretive of the American fast food chains – the Freemasons of the burger world. For starters: no, they are not run by the Mormons (as my wife insists). But yes, during the 1980’s (when Rich Snyder was company president) they began printing discreet Bible references on their food packaging. I happened to go to an In-N-Out Burger today, here are photos of the bottoms of two drink cups and a burger wrapper:

Burger WrappersRevelation 3:20 “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear My voice and open the door, I will come in to him and will sup with him, and he with Me.” (cool . . . it relates to eating)

Beverage CupsJohn 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (not so food related, unless you’re talking about cholesterol)

Milkshake CupsProverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.” (perhaps suggesting we don’t open up the burger and look at it, but just eat it)

And yes, there is a secret menu. Ordering a “Flying Dutchman” (which is not on the regular menu) will get you two meat patties with two slices of melted cheese, and nothing else on it. Ordering “Protein Style” will get you a burger with lettuce and no bun.

The coolest: a “20 by 20” – 20 beef patties with 20 slices of cheese.

[Update 7/21/07]: Will at What Up Willy just sent us a link to an In-N-Out legend come true: a “100 by 100” ordered in Las Vegas in 2004. It’s amazing. Link. Thanks Will!

[Update 7/23/07]: ElDestroyo sent us a link to his roommate’s “26 by 26” experiment. Thanks ElDestroyo – sorry if you had to share a bathroom with him.