[Note: Though this story has all the sound and smell of an urban legend, I can attest that it is completely true: this story happened to me and the wedding photos are mine.]

The wedding photographer went rogue and did unrequested art experiments on my wedding photos: he made all of the photos glowing white and blue. Everything looked sickly and bright, like our wedding took place near aboveground nuclear testing.

Trying to be polite, I requested several reprints that captured the actual colors of the event and that didn’t look like we were arc welding. I also requested a disc of all of the raw digital photos, in the event he decided to f*% up the reprints as well.

Weeks later I get the disc and only about half the photos are on it. And the disc contained extra photos: The last 60 photos on the disc were of a young woman. Naked. And she was not at the wedding. And the photographer was in some of these photos, too. He was also naked. And in several of the photos, his *&^%$ was in her *@#$%.

And though the marriage ended in sorrow and I don’t care what color the photos are anymore, this is still a good story and it needed to be posted for the sake of posterity.

These are actual photos (edited).

Bookmark to:

“Love is the world’s worst seeing-eye dog.”

- Timbotron

Bookmark to:

“The Orphanage” (El Orfanato)

Haunted orphanage!!
Creepy ghost with a doll mask.
Ghost kids are the worst.

I squealed like a girl.
What’s the Spanish word for “AAAAAAGHHH”?
Almost puked tapas.

Bookmark to:

Handheld cameras
Half Blair witch, Half Godzilla
All entertaining.

Don’t make my mistake
And sit too close to the screen;
Headaches will ensue.

Note: for a crazy picture of the Cloverfield monster, click here.

Bookmark to:

To celebrate 2008, I threw it back 40 years to Jimi Hendrix’s 1968 cover of “All along the Watchtower,” mashed up with Jay-Z’s “H to the Izzo.”

Check out “H to the Watchtower” — click the image below to listen to the track.

H to the Watchtower - Mashup by Johnny Haze, 2008

Bookmark to:

This is my friend’s shoulder. This just happened.

Two words: snowboarding and clavicle.

Bookmark to:

Be separated from Kevin Bacon by only one degree with this nifty t-shirt from NoStar Clothing:

$24 is kind of pricey though. Alternative solution: Buy bacon, fry bacon, tape bacon to grey t-shirt. Remember to eat bacon before washing.

Bookmark to:

The modern American Santa Claus is the result of a huge mess of practices and figures that have collided at high speed throughout the ages. Here is a brief synopsis of the origins of the modern American Santa Claus, and a history of his evil assistant (who is all but gone in American culture), in an approximate chronological order:

Santa Claus:
Saint Nicholas - The 4th Century Bishop of Myra (in modern-day Turkey), he was known for giving to the poor. In particular, he was known for providing the dowries for three impoverished sisters - sparing them of a life of begging and prostitution. Saint Nicholas became (among many other things) the patron saint of children. Many cultures honor him on December 6th, weeks before Christmas.

(more…)

Bookmark to:

This one is true. Even though we all wish it wasn’t.

In Japan, there are vending machines that sell underwear. Schoolgirls’ underwear. Previously worn and unwashed schoolgirls’ underwear.
Yes - an entire industry of trading-in the day’s underwear for a new pair. And underwear sold with a photo of the underwearer can fetch a higher price. The almighty Snopes has a nice article on this subject, which they report to be true.

(more…)

Bookmark to:

Recently seen on the 1 train in NYC…

Bookmark to:

In December’s monthly mashup, old meets new once again. Queen’s anthem “We Will Rock You” meets 50 Cent & Akon’s new track, “I’ll Still Kill.” And yes, I did have to pay 50 & Akon extra to get them to wear those wigs. Click the image to listen.

I’ll Still Rock You - Johnny Haze

(Right click above and “Save Link As…” to download the track)

Bookmark to:

How can you say no to Uncle Oinker’s Gummy Bacon for only $4.95 per pack?

According to Archie McPhee, gummy bacon is “…so realistic you’ll want to fry some up and serve them with an egg and a side of hash browns. But please don’t,” they encourage. “Gummy Bacon should only be savored raw.”

(Thanks for the tip, Isabel!)

Bookmark to:

What more can you ask for, than when you get a cut and can cover up your wound with bacon?

And don’t forget…there’s a free toy inside!

(via Laura, via Archie McPhee)

Bookmark to:

I didn’t have to courage to go in there and meet Arreola in person, but I suspect she is tan and round and sensitive.

Bookmark to:

Saw both of these today:

Nail’n Joy, Full Service - somehow it just sounds dirty.

“We need a catchy name . . . something that will make kids want to eat oatmeal, something quirky . . . “Apparently they didn’t see Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom

Bookmark to:

Saint Anthony is the patron saint of pigs and butchers, and from the math I learned in school, 1+1=BACON. For a paltry $4.95, you can get your very own, miniature St. Anthony to whom you can pray for bacon, about bacon, or for a bacon related miracle.

(via Laura; via Archee McPhee)

Bookmark to:

Ewww?!

Vodka, and bacon = the bacontini!

I think a better way might just be to use this bacon salt on the rim of a martini glass, then fill it with vodka! I’ll let you know how it goes…

Bookmark to:

Picnic prep? I can only hope he has a napkin on the rear rack! Fruit/Pringles/Water

Perhaps not in that order?

Bookmark to:

So a bit late last week so might have we have 2 this week.

This is a self portrait while riding back from a recent trip up to northern California.

Ingredients: Dark room + Glow sticks + 3yr old + long exposure shot = Light stick paintingYou can make out my son’s shirt in the background, yes he is standing still and doing an age old kung fu move called windmilling.

Bookmark to:

Pop music: so bad but so good.

In my latest monthly mashup, I try to prove that 2+2 = 5 by mixing two pop songs (The Black Eyed Peas’ “Disco Club” with Justin Timberlake’s “Summer Love”), with the hope that the sum, in fact, is greater than the parts. Also, this is a fitting end to summer, which I’m sad to see go. Enjoy, and free to comment!

Summer Love in the Disco Club - Remix by Johnny Haze, 2007.

Bookmark to: