As the saying goes, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”
And those words are:
• Jerry Springer
• “Actually, this is our second child.”
• “Will the real Slim Shady please sit down?!”
• “We cut Sex-Ed class.”
• Future congressman of Arkansas.
• “We got a ‘3-for-the-price-of-2′ special on these photos.”
• 30-year-old grandma.
• “I look just like Demí.”
• “Let’s bring the baby to prom!”
2006: As some of you may remember, Chevy trucks thought they’d create a cyber-hip-20-somethings ad campaign where you could make your own Chevy Tahoe commercial . . . and it backfired in a major way.
I planned on submitting this fine Photoshop project below, until I discovered that you have to use stupid Facebook Graffiti to do all of your artwork. Dammit!
There are a few items that have yet to make it to their list:
#97 - Having to take conventional things and make them ‘Christian,’ as if everything in the secular world is just too damn corrupt or dangerous or just not magical enough.
#99 - Incessantly talking about being Christian in a self-congratulatory manner, to the point of making unimaginative blogs about it.
So last week I turned 32. Looking at where I am at in my life and where I thought I’d be at 32, I feel pretty good–I’ve started my own business, traveled the world, already had a couple of interesting professions, I have good friends and a cool dog. I am however missing that special someone. I would have thought that at this age I would be getting serious about finding a life partner and have developed a refined list of desired qualities in a mate, such as shared interests, successful career, thoughtful and spiritual, great lover, etc. Instead, I have whittled my boyfriend requirements down to a pretty simple list of minimum standards. At this point my ideal date must be:
SINGLE (hard to believe, but I actually have to put this on the list)
Employed, making more than minimum wage (this is a tough one for me, but struggling artist/musician doesn’t count as employment)
Living in their own place (don’t have to own a house, just not be couch-surfing or living with their parents)
Born in the 70’s (although old dudes seem to dig me, I don’t dig them–Viagra or not)
The owner of a car (that runs)
Capable of basic hygiene and grooming (I don’t want someone I have to dress or who has flesh-eating bacteria)
Not the owner of a bong or a keg-erator (I’m flexible however on the keg-erator, they ARE handy for entertaining)
Straight (I’d consider openly bi-sexual, just not gay and in denial)
Looking back over the past 17 years or so of my love life I have to say that I have actually never been involved with someone who meets all of the above criteria. Sometimes I think it’s just me, but believe it or not I am kind of picky when it comes to men. And I’m kind of a catch. So, if you or someone you know fits the above criteria and lives within 30 minutes of Watsonville, CA, I’d be happy to hear from you! But at this point the next well-meaning person who asks me, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” is going to get punched in the mouth.
Saw it in the store and bought a bag. A note to the potential consumer: opening the bag smelled like a giant barbeque fart.
Suggestions for better marketing taglines for this product:
• Stale comedy premise, fresh beef jerky!
• A taste so great, you’ll beat your wife!
• If this is your dinner, you just might be a redneck.
• As seen on COPS!
• Red meat, red states, red necks.
• Free Skynyrd T-shirt offer inside.
• It’s like a trailer park in your mouth!
• Now another reason why you’ll see Jeff Foxworthy at a gas station!
Once again, technology is put to good use: Atlanta bar owner Rufus Terrill has created the anti-vagabond “Bum Bot 2000.“
It has a 2,000,000 candlepower floodlight and a water cannon capable of 200 lbs of pressure. The object of this robot is to chase away vagrants, prostitutes, and pushers in his neighborhood. Many of Terrill’s targets are the “sort of people” drawn to a local emergency homeless shelter - he hopes to let them know they aren’t welcome to plague his public streets anymore. The camera feed on the Bum Bot 2000 is projected onto a big screen TV in Terrill’s bar, so patrons can watch prostitutes and hoboes get sprayed with water. This unstoppable security droid may have only one weakness, that hopefully the swarthy homeless will never discover: pushing it over.
Suggestions for a better name for this robot:
•Hobotron 2000
•The Roomba Wet T-Shirt Machine
•BumFighter X1
•Bigot-tron 4000
•The Hobo Soaker
•Go-Starve-Somewhere-Else-O-Matic
•The Hookernator
•Ho-Bot
•D!ckhead with a Watergun 9000
I want to invent “Drunkbot 3000″: it will regularly cover the floor of Terrill’s bar in vomit.
This is Robert Echeverria.
He’s 32.
He weights 500 pounds and is 6′ tall.
He’s a gang member.
He stars in a YouTube video where he scams a Del Taco restaurant in Rialto, California.
His bail is set at $125,000.00.
Link: Press-Enterprise story
Bonus Round: What is it about Del Taco that makes people want to act like d!cks (and then brag about it on YouTube)?
In the words of my good friend JohnC, this video “justifies the entire existence of YouTube.”
What follows is an abridged history of American-centric warfare, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in each conflict.
If you get lost regarding the conflicts or which food represents each nation, check out this page, which breaks down each of the 8 battles depicted. Or, if you’re like me and just want to know which food represents each nation, check out the official cheat sheat.
My friend Jodi works next to an extensive candy store. On a weekly basis, she brings me bizarre candy.
This week: Kandy Kastle “Lightning Bunny” candy.
For starters, the candy is designed around the concept that eating gummy bullsh!t is more fun in the dark. Which it is not. A package of 10 gummy blobs, and a pair of light-up tongs (which illuminate the gummy blobs).
This candy may officially be the biggest hassle ever.
They have succeeded in the difficult task of making candy-eating complicated.
Here are the instructions on the back of the package. No joke, have a gander:
1). Be careful removing the opp [sic] bag as you might damage the tongs.
2). Remove the battery “Pull Tag” from the tongs before using.
3). Use the tongs to pick up candy. The light will make the candy glow.
4). Do not mix old and new batteries. Do not mix alkaline, Standard (carbon-zinc), or rechargeable (nickel-cadmium) batteries.
5). Do not place in water as electronics will short.
6). Take out batteries when this toy is not in use.
7). When the light becomes weak, it is time to change the battery.
8). Only batteries of the same or equivalent type as recommended are to be used.
9). Batteries are to be inserted with the correct polarity.
10). Remove batteries when they are dead.
11). The supply terminals are not to be short-circuited.
12). Non-rechargeable batteries are not to be recharged.
13). Use only (2) AG3/LR41. 14). Do not dispose of batteries in fire.
Do not point light into eyes.
Do not put tongs into water, as it will damage them.
It goes without saying that there are certain things that white people love (usually because no one else wants to go near these things for good reason). Stuff White People Like is dedicated to chronicling the things that affluent white people go berzerk about:
• #74 - Oscar Parties
• #67 - Standing Still at Concerts
• #64 - Recycling
• #63 - Expensive Sandwiches
• #62 - Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
• #60 - The Toyota Prius
• #57 - “Juno”
• #49 - Vintage Clothing
• #47 - Arts Degrees
• #45 - Asian Fusion Food
• #44 - Public Radio
• #36 - Breakfast Places
• #28 - Not Having a TV
• #25 - David Sedaris
• #21 - Writer’s Workshops
• #17 - Hating Their Parents
• #16 - “Gifted” Children
• #11 - Asian Girls
• #10 - Wes Anderson Movies
• #5 - Farmers Markets
• #1 - Coffee
To clarify: It is possible to have an ending without having “follow-through.” And this lack of “follow-through” is cinematic coitus interruptus. It is cruel and lame.
To illustrate our point: Here is a knock-knock joke I hope to someday tell writers/directors Joel and Ethan Coen:
Me:“Knock-knock!”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Who’s there?”
Me:“Orange.”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Orange who?”
Me: “. . .”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Orange who!?!”
Me: “. . .”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“ORANGE WHO!?!”
Me:“Tommy Lee Jones had a dream about his dad. F#ck you!”
