To clarify: It is possible to have an ending without having “follow-through.” And this lack of “follow-through” is cinematic coitus interruptus. It is cruel and lame.
To illustrate our point: Here is a knock-knock joke I hope to someday tell writers/directors Joel and Ethan Coen:
Me:“Knock-knock!”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Who’s there?”
Me:“Orange.”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Orange who?”
Me: “. . .”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“Orange who!?!”
Me: “. . .”
Joel and Ethan Coen:“ORANGE WHO!?!”
Me:“Tommy Lee Jones had a dream about his dad. F#ck you!”
RottenNeighbor.com - A venue to warn the universe about your as$hole neighbor who lets their dog crap on your front yard, or that creepy house down the block that might have a meth lab in the basement.
Though it will most likely be employed in anonymous abuse . . .
Por ejemplo:
To you jerks with the wind chimes! -
“Hey, do you people think that it was a coincidence that the wind chimes that hung off of your deck magically had a rubber band wrapped around them recently!? Maybe. Well, I was sure to put another one around it over the weekend. Hopefully, you will get the hint. Next time it keeps me awake or wakes me up I am going to take it to work and get it welded together. Thanks”
noisey sex -
“apt 28 has loud annoying sex till the wee hours of the morning”
In line at the grocery store, I’m staring off into space and then my eyes catch the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine. In particular, the large purple hyphenated word “Va-jay-jay.” The full title is “Your Va-jay-jay: Fascinating New Facts About Your Lovely Lady Parts.”
Va-jay-jay!?!
Is this some tragic pseudo-urban hipster moniker for “vagina”!?!
Is this what the kids are calling it these days?!?
What about “Vagizzle,” “V-to-the-gina,” or “V. Diddy“?
And I suspect it is the answer to several other topics on the cover:
5 Things Never to Tell Your Guy
All 5 involve using the word Va-jay-jay to refer to your vagina.
Sex He Has Alone
You know why? Because you call it a Va-jay-jay and that’s weird and so he’s in the bathroom thinking about your sister instead of your Va-jay-jay!
Why Guys Cheat
Because they want to sleep with a woman who doesn’t call it a Va-jay-jay!
[Va-jay-jay update]: According to reader Isabel, this sounds-better-than-’cooter’ term for vagina has been around for some time (and I just don’t watch enough television), having appeared on ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and even ‘Oprah’ (the perfect venue for promoting lame terms like this). Frankly, the word ‘Oprah‘ sounds like a better term for vagina than ‘Va-jay-jay.’
“This tight underwear makes my Oprah itch!”
Last weekend, Blogadilla co-author Allison and I went to see the Coen Brothers’ film “No Country for Old Men”.
There are two major points we’d like to express:
1). Good movie.
2). The ending was the biggest load of sh!t ever!!!
We don’t want to give away the ending but . . . THERE WAS NO F&#ING ENDING!!.
[Allison]:
“Can’t stop what’s comin.” THEN LET IT COME ALREADY, B!TCH. I PAID $10.50 TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND I WANT AN ENDING!
Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. Up until the end.
Here are our proposals for an ending for “No Country for Old Men”: •The “Wonka” ending: Sherriff Bell hunts down Chigurh and tells him that he’s retiring and wants to give Chigurh the entire Chocolate Factory.
•Coen Bros. meets Tarantino ending: Chigurh limps away after the car crash and mistakenly walks into Zed’s pawn shop where Zed calls Tommy Lee Jones and says “looks like the spider caught a fly…”
•The Sarah Connor ending: In the final battle, Sherriff Bell discovers that Chigurh is a robot from the future sent to the past to stop the ending of the movie from ever really happening.
•The Skywalker ending: Sherriff Bell corners Chigurh and tells him the truth, “I don’t want to kill you. I just wanted to meet you . . . Son.” And a sobbing Chigurh and Bell embrace one another . . .
•The Tyler Durden: Sheriff Bell pursues Chigurh but can’t seem to find him, and over the phone Bell’s girlfriend Marla calls him “Chigurh,” and that’s when he realizes that he is . . .
Pet hypotheses for why the ending sucked:
•Ran out of film (Ethan Coen squandered a whole roll on interesting looking clouds).
•Soon after conjoined twins Joel and Ethan Coen were surgically separated (near the end of the filming of this movie), they decided that they couldn’t work together anymore.
•Cameraman died.
•The editor accidentally lost the last 10 minutes during a Robitussin binge.
Not the best way to start your day if you’re feeling blue …
Malt-O-Meal manufactures generic cereal foods such as Honey Buzzers, which are essentially a knock-off of Honeycombs. I could not help but notice the ‘expressions’ on my Honey Buzzers’ faces. It is as if the Honey Buzzers knew the fate that lay before them: imminent destruction and prompt digestion.
Do people really care what Chuck Norris has to say about politics? In either case, what a bizarre campaign ad, but glad to know Mike Huckabee is a “principled, authentic conservative.”
[Every week my friend Jodi manages to be in the middle of something harsh and/or hilarious]
This week’s Jodi Report is a story of woe and wrongful shame at a local video rental franchise.
Here is the transcript from Jodi’s account:
“So, I went to Blockbuster (I usually get stoned and pick out movies). And I brought the movies up to the register and the guy at the register didn’t even look at my face. And I wrote a check (couldn’t find my ATM card) in my happy cheerleader writing with my Hello Kitty pen. I put my pen back in my purse.
I walk out to my car and then some guy came out after me saying, ‘Can we have our pen back?’ And he was walking toward me . . . and I was getting into my car. He chased me out to my car to get the f*%$ing pen back! I said ‘This is MY PEN.’ And he gave me a stupid look and said (like a smartass), ‘Yeah . . . Can we have OUR PEN back?!’ and the guy at the register and some stupid girl hanging out with them all stared at me as I drove off.
When I got home I called the number on the video receipt and said, ‘I was just in there and just got accused of stealing a pen and I didn’t do it.’ The manager said, ‘I’m sorry ma’am, I’ve gone through $200 worth of pens in the last couple of months and I’ve asked my employees to gently remind customers to not walk off with the pens.’
I got a call back from the manager (minutes later), and he said that this guy doesn’t even work for him and that the guy ‘isn’t right in the head.’ And he apologized. And put a couple free movies on my account . . .
So . . . I realized that the man had a pen shortage. So I bought four packs of pens (48 pens total). And three or four days later when I went to return my movies . . . I shoved all of them in the return slot.”
Two years ago, The Sneeze posted what may be the worst rendition of “O Holy Night” ever. In fact, this may be the the worst rendition of anything, ever. This song makes Baby Jesus cry.
Follow these directions:
•Turn the volume up as loud as it will go.
•Play this song.
•Halfway through the song, be prepared to pee a little bit; expect minor bleeding from the eardrums.
On an ascending scale of painful noises:
1 - car alarm
2 - mating humpback whales
3 - Minnie Riperton’s “Lovin’ You”
4 - German Shepherd kicked in the crotch
5 - crying sick infant
6 - cat in heat
7 - Vietnamese pop music
8 - crying sick infant being beaten with a cat in heat
9 - Chinese opera
10 - this song
