Q: Are you currently at work?

1). YES
2). NO

If you answered YES to the previous question, turn back now, go somewhere safer, do not read any further (until you get home).

The following is so NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

I am officially naming the game “Smurf Porn.”
This is a game that you’ve likely played already:
Turn the “safe search” off on your browser and type in any word, plus the word “porn.”

Results: Holy sh!t.

20 minutes of this revealed stupefying results for “_____ + porn”:

• Smurf (I so wish I was kidding about this one)

• Zombie

• Dinosaur (apparently dinosaurs speak German)

• Bowling

• Power Rangers (via Fleshbot)

• Airline Stewardess (duh, but I had to see)

• Bigfoot (Oh, man.)

• The Easter Bunny (Is nothing sacred!?!)

• The Exorcist

• Superman (yes, the man of steel)

• Clown (this just made every childhood birthday party a little creepy)

[and their arch-enemies StopClownPornNow.org]

• Ballet

• McDonald’s (called “Mzinald’s”)

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FirstShowing.net has a flash video of the alternate (and original) ending to “I Am Legend” (2007) (can also been seen on some versions of the DVD).

(via Garry)

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Tomer Hanuka.

You gotta love an artist who can do this with zombies and yuppies a Stephen King story.

(thanx for clarification Isabel)

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February is Black History Month and February 18th is Presidents Day. Both of which have sucky decorations: no fancy trees, no decent costumes, no color schemes, and no lame candy.

Example: my friend Jodi recently presented me with a “Lincoln Pop.”
He turns your tongue black and tastes like a copper penny.

If you lick him long enough, he turns into “Angry Zombie Lincoln.”

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I recently saw this Halloween costume for sale and a potentially awkward scenario came to mind:

Scene: Halloween night, in a crowded bar/nightclub

Drunk Woman: “What the hell are you supposed to be?! Are you like a Zombie with Curtains or a Dead Conquistador or something?”

Ghost Ship: “I’m a Ghost Ship”

Drunk Woman: “Oh . . . like a Ghost Pirate in that Johnny Depp movie!”

Ghost Ship: “No. I’m like the boat in that movie.”

Drunk Woman: “You’re a boat . . . then why do you have a face?”

Ghost Ship:
“It’s my ghost part.”
“It’s called ‘Anthropomorphic Representation’.”
“Because I’m a ghost also and this is my skull.”
“I’m a personification of a Ghost Ship.”
“Uhh . . . I don’t know.”

Drunk Woman: “Huh?!?!”

Drunk Woman: “Hey, my friend Melissa is going as a Sexy Pirate. Can she ride on your shoulders?”

End Scene

The negative aspects of dressing up as a Ghost Ship:
•Guys in pirate costumes may try to board you, rob you, and then set you on fire in the middle of the ocean.

•The entire night people will ask you what the hell you’re supposed to be.

•’Walking your plank’ jokes get old.

•A group of meddling kids might try to disrobe you in an attempt to prove that you’re an underhanded amusement park owner.

•Guys in pirate costumes may try to ’swab your poopdeck.’

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Pharming – The act of illicitly redirecting a website’s traffic to another bogus website.

Phishing – Attempting to acquire sensitive personal information through email communications by impostering as a trusted business or institution.

Phideo – Profitting from video sales and rentals by impostering as a known movie; like phishing, phideos prey upon the drunk and the elderly.

I Am Ωmega (2007) – Like I Am Legend (2007), but less of a rip-off of The Ωmega Man (1971).

Transmorphers (2007) – Like Transformers (2007), but dyslexic.

Alien vs. Hunter (2007) – Like Alien vs. Predator (2004), except filmed in a park and they could only afford one alien costume because they spent all their money on the acting wizardry of Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.

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I Am Legend (a.k.a.- “The Omega Man in Black”)

A virus outbreak.
Bad animation zombies.
The Fresh Prince survives.

The Omega Man
meets 28 Days Later.
Typical New York.

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